Why I am a Feminist in the 21st century (First article)

After the many vast obstacles that women have faced throughout the years, I have abruptly decided to speak on the behalf of myself and others. As I have matured and blossomed as a woman, I have discovered  daily predicaments in the world today. For as long as I could  remember, women have been fighting for political, sexual, economic, and personal equality to men. I, along with many other women, do not feel as if this situation is fair by any means, At only sixteen, there is so much sexual worriment that I face as I begin my journey as an adult.
I would like to reach the point where I can adventure  into any situation, in an outfit I feel gorgeous in, and not feel like I am being looked at like a sexual object. I would like to walk home from a bar late at night, and not be frightened to encounter a man or another woman, who will take advantage of me because I am vulnerable. I would like to feel comfortable on a college campus, and not constantly worry that I will be drugged, or worst of all, raped. I would like to let loose and not let things become bothersome to me, but I feel like  I am constantly letting my mind wander to every single possibility.
I would like to have friends of the opposite sex, who will not pressure me to engage in sexual activities with them. If I clearly didn’t ask for it, I don’t want to be informed that I was. I wish that all of these movements could be easily resolved. But, the more I sit and contemplate, I have realized that these problems will always be apparent. The more I try and avoid these situations from occurring, the more they appear in the times you would never see them advancing . The precautions cannot be taken correctly, because it’s in times where we shouldn’t feel the way that we do.
The more I try and remember  specific instances, the blurrier these instances  become. We almost force ourselves to forget that things like this continue to occur in daily life.
The first incident occurred at fifteen. I remember I was with a guy whom I felt I very much admired by, but there were times I clearly did not asked to be touched and showered with kisses. Being an adolescent, I didn’t exactly know how to feel when I was being pinned down and forced to make out with my significant other. I faintly remember myself repeating the word “no”, but with some people, that word doesn’t hold any significance. I can recall that same scenario repeating itself more than 3 times. After this person and I ended it completely with one another, he continued to touch me. He would grab my butt while everyone else was watching.  I was embarrassed, I was frightened. He would treat this like it was some game. He would laugh with his other guy friends. not even putting into consideration the constant violation I felt every time he did this. At countless get togethers with other friends, he would run his fingers up my legs, until he reached areas that shouldn’t be crossed. He would see how far I would let him get. I would push him off of me, only for him to come back and do it again. I didn’t ask to be touched. I didn’t ask to be kissed, even if was with him at the time. I didn’t ask to be grasped. Yet, he continued to think it was a test. To see how far he could get until I told him to stop.
Little did he know, I cried myself to sleep every time this happened. I felt like I was treated like an object, and not like the prized possession that I was. I am a woman, I am not an object. I am confident, I am beautiful, and I am important. My body is mine, and my boundaries should not be crossed without consent. Why did my claim over my body, not mean anything?
I am now  almost seventeen. I have been in two abusive relationships.  I still have other obstacles that I’ve faced daily as a woman. On multiple occasions, I have been whistled at, belittled, mocked for wearing certain revealing things, and more. I have also struggled to sustain relationships with significant others because of our differences. I push to be accepted for all of me.  When most of the time, I am treated as if there is no brain connected to my glorious body. I strive to become my true self daily, and to not these situations affect the way I think, feel, and react. I know deep down, 2 years later, that I am more than the predicaments that I have been in.
I hope for the day that I can be seen as more than just a body, who makes decisions regarding so.
I am still continuing to expand my horizons as a female daily. Each and every day, I feel even more confident in myself than before. I will never let the whistling of men define me. I will not let my past instances define my standards. I,  will not let the sexualized standards of society tell me what I can and cannot wear. I am young and radiant. I have the right  to wear whatever I feel comfortable in, and I hope I can inspire you to do the same. I will continue to roam free in this universe feeling safe. I will go out at night and fearlessly walk home alone.
As women, we cannot let our past scare us, as well as future situations that we are trying to avoid. We deserve to feel gorgeous and safe in our skin every single day. Do not be oppressed. Speak out and be brave for all of the women around the world who are dealing with the same exact instances as you are.

To the one who didn’t love me enough to stay.

I told you that I didn’t care the day you ended it between us. I told everybody else that I didn’t let you phase me. I thought this enchanting feeling that overwhelmed me every time we were together was something that could easily be replaced with an acquaintance who would give me proper admiration. The more I tried forgetting the memories we compiled, the more I realized you never left my mind. I realized the more I convinced everybody I had forgotten, I found the person I was supposed to hate, accumulating every space of my existence. That was when I realized that we, as people, talk about the things we hate the most. We don’t realize that we are doing it. In the end, the things that we hate the most  are the things we care most about. The things we let destroy us at three in the morning while we toss and turn in our wits, and wonder why we weren’t enough, are the things that intellectually have control over us.

As spring turned to summer, and summer turned to fall, I found myself outside watching the crisp autumn leaves fall and I sat and wondered why I wasn’t enough. I played back the first time your smile encountered mine. Did you find someone with a more stunning smile than mine?  Did I say something wrong when the first words escaped my mouth? I pictured the outfit I was wearing. I remembered the way I radiated, as my confidence beamed from my smile. I was always told my smile could light up an entire room. But, why couldn’t I light up yours? The more and more I pondered each question, the more I realized  no response amounted from them. The question that hurt me the most, was why you left me with the burden of figuring out these accusations. The truth was, you didn’t care if I did or not. You left with the intentions of leaving me, wondering why I wasn’t enough. As the fall leaves slowly disappeared, I found myself watching the snow flakes fall as they assembled perfectly in my vision. I realized every time I saw a new season, that you hadn’t gone away as time continued on. Time was redeemed as frozen in my mind, yet the world carried on. I look over at the television that played my favorite movies, the ones you said you didn’t care enough to watch with me. Not long after, my room begins to flood with my favorite songs; The ones you would turn off to instead play yours. Why were my interests never enough for you? That grin of yours was enough for me to forget the most important things that accompanied my own mind. Instead, I believed you. I loved you enough to replace your likings with mine. Soon enough, we watched your favorite films, and my music was replaced with yours. As time went on, my calls and texts were ignored and I should have realized you had intentions of leaving me the way you did all along.

I remembered all of the fun times we had together. Did you think about them the same way that I did? As days turned into months and months turned into years, the same questions seemed to repeat themselves. Those questions remain with still no response. I flash back to the deep conversations we shared as we discussed our pasts over dinner. I thought of all the times I went out of my way to see your eyes light up the way I once saw them. Yet, you never did the same for me. The more I found myself in thought, a new season passed and I watched the leaves drift across the firm grass. Here was another year that left me wondering what I could have done to save us. I began to dwell on the past we once had. The older I became, the wiser my thoughts became. I found myself discussing you over dinner with my family  and they told me to just forget about the lovely times we once shared. The difference between me and you, was I couldn’t seem to forget about you the way you did me. It crushed me knowing I left the person who mattered to me the most and it left me searching for a conclusion. I was left wondering why I couldn’t satisfy the needs that you desired. It seems that was always the difference between you and me.

I found myself the following year bringing you up to mutual friends, and I could never bring myself to wish bad upon you. I knew that I was respected enough as a person to not ruin things over your cruel behaviors. But, I still wonder was it cruelty or just that you were inconsiderate.  As time continued on, it didn’t seem to matter. You had long forgotten the experiences we shared together. That smile of mine that “lit up everybody’s room”, didn’t seem to have the same magical effect on you, just as it didn’t  the previous three years. Maybe thinking  I could change us back to how we were before was just silly.  It seemed as if you found the same characteristics  you loved in me in other people. Despite the memories we created, you seemed to find pleasantry in  sharing those same things with anyone other than myself.  To this day, I would never think anything but good thoughts when your name is brought up mutually or on accident. I know at some points, I found myself defending you for your wrongs and occasionally drifting into further conversation, because I missed you.  That was the moment I knew, I could’ve never left you the way you left me.

Sadness overcomes me less and less, but the feeling you left me with lingers. I still think about you when one of the songs  you once adored comes on. I find myself asking people how you are. I find myself worrying about you, when I know it isn’t my job anymore. I wish the best for you in any further relationship  you decide to venture into. I hope that  one day you find the love  you decided couldn’t be discovered in me in somebody else. More and more, I find myself thinking these things because I hope you don’t leave them the way you left me.

Wondering why they weren’t enough for you.

 

 

16 things I learned in 16 years.

Sixteen. It’s been a beautiful, indescribable, and eventful year. On the other hand, it’s opened my eyes to the strenuous obstacles of growing older, and overcoming emotional and physical barriers  that I have faced, as well as many others. Seventeen will be right around the corner, and I will grow older. With growing older, comes harder decisions, and wiser choices in the path I decide to strive for. As for this, I am glad for the knowledge I obtained throughout this year of my life. Here is sixteen things, I learned at the age of sixteen.

People will come and go. 

At this prime of an age, people will always be in and out of your life. That boy that claimed to be in love with you, will move on to another  girl. Those friends that you made freshman year, may or may not still be by your side. But the most important part, is to accept that people will be this way your whole life. As we all move forward in life, we all have different goals and ambitions. New friends and relationships are right around the corner. Don’t get to caught up on things that may be temporary to begin with. Trust the magic of new beginnings.

Document everything that you can. 

As we all grow up living in this world of social media, it is very easy to have every single moment of our lives documented for the good and the ugly. I think documentation is such a amazing thing. One day to to look back and remember what certain days were like, the places you traveled to, and most importantly that people that you did those things with. So take pictures of everything and post that thought on your mind. One day looking back, you will see the growth you have accomplished throughout the years.

Travel as much as you can. 

This year, I got another chance to travel to California. But I think there is a much deeper meaning to traveling, then just seeing another place. You for once, get to have the weight of home lightened off your shoulders. I think for teenagers that is so important. We are all so focused on school, friends, work, and responsibilities. For once, it feels so relieving to take a break and get that burden off your shoulders for the most part. So travel as much as you can. See new sights, try new foods, take pictures, and make memories. Those things will all come with time, and I learned don’t always have to be rushed.


Don’t be afraid to be yourself. 

This year, I left public schools and decided to try online schooling. This taught me many things within itself. As we attend public school, most teenagers want to try and fit in with everybody as much as possible, it makes the experience a little bit easier, right? Of course, me being the person that I am, couldn’t do this. I learned so many things about myself this year socially, mentally, politically, etc. In the grand scheme of things, it won’t be worth it trying to fit in. Stand out. Be different. We all have that spark in us that wishes to fit in, but not fitting in is even more ravishing.


Test scores are not the end of the world. 

Going throughout high school, we are expected to have to preform well on all tests, assignments, and retain that information at the same time. But the honest truth is, sometimes we just can’t do that. We are humans, not robots. We all have off days. A bad test score does not reflect you has a person. Do not beat yourself up about it. We have plenty of time to fix our mistakes.

Change your style. 

This year was the first year I even touched hair dye, and it felt great. Of course I didn’t go for much of a change, but it’s a start. I realized my style always continues to change every year I grow, and I hope it always is that way. I think embracing change is something we all should learn to do.  So dye and cut your hair, change your style, try new makeup, and expand your horizons.


The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. 

This was a big lesson for me this year. As I was thrown back and forth between my fathers and mothers house, I have realized that staying put, was probably the best decision for me. If you’re anything like me, you don’t like to stay in one place for too long. In the end, I’m glad for the choices and decisions I acted on, because that brought me to right now. But the grass isn’t always greener, and situations may not work out the way you wish they did. I learned to always work out all issues, instead of continually running away from them.


Give yourself a break. 

This year I was plugging away at school, work, travel, and more while all trying to not have a mental breakdown. (Yes, constant work will do that to you). So just sit and breathe. Take one night to just relax and watch a movie, get deep into thought in a novel, or even a relaxing nap. At the age, it is constant going, and if you are as hard on yourself as I am, you know it’s hard to slip in breaks once in a while. I’m here to say it’s okay to do so. Give your mind and body a rest.


Try new foods. 

As you get older, you obviously have figured out what things you like, and don’t like. But this isn’t always true. (Imagining me, complaining about how much I don’t like sushi, and now it’s like my favorite food 😂) My point is, we are so quick to judge certain things, but we discover new things about ourselves every day. Broaden your horizons and you will be surprised on things you start to like as you get older.


A first job, isn’t going to be fun. At all. 

My first experience of work took place this year. Trust me, it’s not fun, but on the other hand it’s so enjoyable to make your own money. Also, it’s a huge experience. You get to see the the good, the bad and the ugly ( yes by the ugly I mean those costumers that find joy in spending their day yelling at 16 year olds) but in the end, I woundnt have it any other way. You have to start somewhere. P.S seventeen, bring me more job opportunities! 😊


Mend all broken relationships. 

We are constantly spewing words out of our mouth as teenagers, and sometimes we don’t mean the things we say. Our hormones tend to be going insane half the time. Words, tend to alter our relationships with friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends etc. I learned this the hard way. I have loved and I’ve lost this year. But one thing I learned, is to recover all relationips we can. This could be our last day with a person. I learned to forgive and forget. Before I say things, I sit and contemplate how this will hurt the other person, and if what I’m saying was necessary or right. Sometimes sleeping on something before we react, stops us from saying something in the heat of the moment out of frustration and anger.


Stand up for what you believe in. I think this picture says it all. This was my first experience going to a protest. Let’s just say I was one of the youngest people I saw as I looked around,  and I was pretty proud of that. In all this hurt and division that we have faced as a whole this year, I have decided to do anything I can to contribute to this movement. I hope to inspire people to do the same thing. Do not go with the flow. You have every right to have a opinion in everything. Your opinion is valid, and is deserved to be heard. People like us, will change the world.

If something makes you happy, do it. 


This was one of the bravest things I did all year. I wanted it for myself, and it was very important to me. That is what my tattoo means as well, that anything in life I want, I will get it. I believe in myself. No, everybody won’t agree with the things you do, and trust me, I got crap for this tattoo. But in the end, if something makes you happy, then by all means do it. At the end of the day it’s yourself that you need to come to peace with, and if something contributes to that, I encourage it all the way.

Take yourself out of every situation that hurts you. 

Among the many encounters we have daily and relationships we mend as we get older, toxic places and relationships we have placed ourselfs in is a daily occurrence. As we get older, we discover the things that continually hurt us, and the things that don’t. Break the cycle. If you know something isn’t good for you, stop letting it hurt you or affect you. Protect yourself, and wait until it is okay to re enter the situation. Sometimes that day will never come, but we can all hope for positivity in all situations. This one goes hand in a hand with mending relationships, but in some cases, mending them may take time and patience.


Eat that burger. 
As teenagers, we tend to have trouble with circulating thoughts about self image, insecurities we think we have, insecurities we are told we have, and the constant thought of the way we should look and the way are content looking. I’m here to say that I am happy being 140 pounds, and happy with my weight. Being slim is okay, but being curvy is more than okay. We are taught that the girls in the magazines are airbrushed to perfection, do not carry any extra weight, and have long slim legs. But I never strived to look any other way then what I do now. So eat that burger, because beauty holds no number.

It’s okay to have a different plan. 
As we come to the conclusion that in 2 years we will officially be a adult, that comes many with many future decisions. We have to decide if college will be in the cards for us, what jobs we will uphold, what job we want for the rest of our lives after college, where we will stay in the meantime, and where are hearts long to be. As for me and all my friends, I have the craziest future plan. No it’s not what everybody does, no it’s not going to easy, but it’s possible. There is nothing in life that isn’t possible. So that “different” life plan that you decide to venture on, whatever that may be, will work out. I promise that it will.


7 ways old souls live differently.

In many ways, I have discovered how old my soul really is. This can be quite difficult, living in a world like we do today. What exactly is a old soul? An old soul is somebody that feels as if they are not in place with today’s society, but more with one that was in the past. A soul that has lived through many many vast decades. I have realized being a old soul, is actually a really important thing in today’s society. We think deeper, explore more, and help find a deeper meaning to life. We also, tend to live life pretty simply. Here are 7 ways that old souls live differently in the 21st century.

We are often know as the “Mothers” of the group.

If you are anything like me,  you have been addressed this status of the group more then once. You prefer to be the one looking out for everybody else, and you find joy in this as well. You prefer to stay home most of the time, and find joy reading a good book, and being alone. You usually would take this over hanging out with a big group of people, going to a party, and taking part in decisions like partying, drinking etc. You never really went through the “partying phase.” You are usually the one who is not constantly found hooking up with new guys, but watches from afar as many of your friends do. You are often mistaken for being 10 years older then you actually are, just because of the way you think and perceive things.

We would rather listen and watch music and movies  from the 70’s

Old souls, can stand the music and movies from the 21st century, but would much rather explore older forms of it. We would much rather watch classic movies, then watch movies that display no meaning.  We wonder why people get so hyped over movies, that literally have no meaning.  We would rater listen to The Rolling Stones, Elvis, Elton john, and Billy Joel over Rhianna and Katy Perry. We like to find meaning and sense in everything that we do, and these music and movies are not cutting it.

We hate small talk. 

If you are anything like me, you know how hard it is to find a boy or girl for that matter, that you can talk to on a daily basis. This is because you crave more then the “Whats up” and “I’m bored” comments that you receive daily, when trying to have a formal conversation. As old souls, we want to know, how do you think the universe was created? type of talk ha-ha. This is usually why we don’t have much friends. We want somebody that is going to be more then small talk. We crave to know  more about the world, and what is going on  in other peoples minds.

We are bad at relationships.

As old souls, we are looking for somebody that isn’t drowning in today’s media, but prefers a more old school way of having a relationship. We don’t want to have to constantly post about you, or like your Facebook posts. We would much rather keep our relationship much more private, and only portray a little bit of it on social media. We are also looking for somebody that is just as adventurous as us. One that will always be there at our beck and call, ready to explore more of the world, try new things, explore meaning in life, and  meaning to ourselves as people. This is usually why we find it difficult to find a relationship like this in the 21st century. We tend to turn away many boys/girls because of this problem of ours.

We are fascinated with a certain time era, and are convinced you were born in the wrong era. 

I am utterly convinced I was alive  in the 50’s, or a time around then. As old souls, we tend to be very connected to a certain era, as if we have lived it all before. This is usually presented to you, in forms of books, people, music, pictures, and places, that you are very connected to. I always have been fascinated with the way people lived, the music, and the feel of the world during that time period. Old souls, are convinced, they are like this because they have lived once before in that time era, and reincarnated to live again now.

You are often the source of advice for your friends

As old souls, we are told we are very wise for our age. It is almost like we have lived lots of times, and gained knowledge that is present in us now. We are usually the ones that our friends will come to when they are in need of advice with love, life, career wise etc. We love to help others, and guide them onto the right path when they are lost. Old souls often contemplate the meaning of life, which is why they know so much about it.

No mater what, you feel as if you don’t fit in with people your age. 

As a teenager we are supposed to be playing sports, hanging out with friends, and be constantly  on the move. For me, I was never drawn to it, or at least not as I got older. I enjoyed playing sports, and being a teenager, but in an old souls head, you are constantly pulling between what you SHOULD be and who you really are. This is who I knew I should be, but was it who I really was? Some start to feel this way  as you become a young adult, college and partying doesn’t really appeal to you at all. You would much rather prefer to be with people much older then you. Old souls are always on the move for more knowledge, a greater meaning of life, and they receive this from people that have lived it yet again in this life.

The power of energy within us.

The moment I realized this easy, but vast concept, I was kind of in awe. The effect of collecting others energy, is something that will be surrounding you for the rest of your life. Understanding this, resolved everything for me. I found the root of the cause, the explanation of why my energy level was down in the dumps for months. When I comprehended the reason, I started thinking very profoundly about this concept. We, as humans, pick up on contagious energy, which is not always the finest for us, especially if it is affecting us negatively. What do I mean by this you ask? People give off energy. No matter if it sadness, happiness, or any other emotion, we seem to pick up on the energy that we border ourselves with daily. I started to realize this, when I started feeling drained. Drained physically, emotionally, and mentally, because I seemed to pick up on everybody’s else’s energy, that was triggering me to feel the same way. I was in a household, that was not very supportive to my views, and future lifestyle. Also, at a school that wasn’t  very accepting as well. I started picking up anger, resent, and sadness from the others around me. Because this energy surrounded me daily, and as humans we observe our surroundings, it can take a toll on our state of mind, body, and personal health. I never felt like I could catch up. I was always a step behind myself. Even though I felt self- assured in myself, who I was meant to be, and my future, my emotions seemed to skyrocket all over the place. When somebody is angry, we become angry. When somebody is sad, we automatically become said. When somebody is constantly happy, we always seem happy around them. Easy, right? Well then why do we choose to surround ourselves with beings that tend to bring the worst out of us?

That is when I made the change. The change that could change who you are, eternally. Surrounding yourself with people that bring the greatest out of you, and feed towards your energy, not take it away. Somebody that is constantly sad, with themselves, or their life, is going to rub off on you. You will begin to see this transforming you, into a sad person, even when their situation has nothing to do with yours. I began to make the change of finding people that complemented my energy, or that builds me up with happy energy, and suddenly I felt a change in myself. I have found new support and love, that I feel daily now. There are many different types of people that will lower your energy, and here are just a few.

 

  • Somebody that is sad with their life, their body image, their money, or their looks, is somebody that you need to look out for. Yes of course, everybody gets down in the dumps on certain days, but if it is an ongoing constant struggle with this person, and they don’t receive help, you will soon start to feel the same exact way as them. You will start to pick up on this negative energy they are surrounding themselves with daily, and you will soon start to feel down with these categories as well.

 

  • Somebody that constantly needs reassurance in their life, and mentally, physically, and emotionally drains us to receive that.
  • Somebody that constantly tells you, you are the problem in a friendship, relationship, etc.

 

  • Somebody that limits the way they think, believe, and interpret things in life, will begin to make you very close minded, and open to receiving negative energy.

 

  • Somebody that has continuous drama, and is always in search of it, will mentally drain you. Having a full plate, always, is very stressful. When you have somebody that needs to have it repeatedly, it will take its toll on you as well. When you let, yourself be a part of this person’s life, you won’t ever catch a break. Having constant drama is very dangerous for a person, and stress and anxiety will start to flourish from this. Surround yourself with people that don’t have a constant need to have something happen in their lives, and peace and happiness will find its way to you again.

 

  • Somebody that is always angry, for no apparent reason, is one of the most dangerous situations. This person could be a coworker, a friend, or maybe even a significant other to you. No matter the situation, you will feel anger as well. Verbal abuse, and physical abuse, are usually the sprouts of the type of anger. When you start to feel the same way as the person surrounding you, it will cause you to find a way to solve this, usually accounting into you fighting back with the same power. The only way to not pick up on this constant anger, is to of course leave the situation. Anger is something that is very easily transferred from one person to another, and soon enough, you will be an angry person, just like the people you are around. Our mental, physically, and emotional health should come before anybody’s else’s, and you should not let other people change it, of course only in a positive and uplifting way.
  • One that fears the future, doesn’t take risks, and is afraid of certain outcomes, may rub off on you.  

 

  • One that takes advantage of your love, your kindness, and your friendship.  

 

  • One that abuses drugs, alcohol, etc. To feel a certain way, and is convinced they can’t survive without having it. 

 

      *  One that is negative in general, is an issue waiting to happen. One that doesn’t support your way of life, your future, your beliefs, and your morals, can be a major issue. When we feel doubt in ourselves, it is usually because somebody else has told us we can’t do something, or we can’t be somebody. These types of people suck out our positive energy, and fill you with their negative. This may because you are vulnerable, and they take advantage of you. Or maybe because you are easily manipulated. Either way, we start to pay attention, and soon enough, we start to no longer believe in our self’s, and all that we are. We must realize these people that are doing this to us, and until they change, hey don’t deserve to have you in their life. We need people around us to build out energy up, not tear it down. 

These are just some people, that are in our lives. When I looked through this list, there was several different people I thought of, for each category. I don’t surround myself with those people anymore. I began to have space within myself, after all this negative energy from others was cleared out. Then, I became me again. The one that radiates positive energy, as much as I can. The person inside me that looks to help, and inspire others. The side of me I want everybody to see. The people that we choose to be in our lives, is always going to affect us. Please look at this list, and take this tool into consideration, if you are feeling drained yourself. Surround yourself daily with people that bring you the positive emotions that make life beautiful, and you will see a change in you.

xoxo, Isabella

First chapter: “The stars I saw in him.” (Romance novel) 

 

 


 

 

1954

 

Present day

 

It was fall time in New York, where it all began. My days starts like usual. As I awake, I toss my comforter off my icy, delicate, body. My eyes flutter as I sit up and heave my hair away from my face. As my feet grasp the floor, I walk over to my glass sliders that reveal the most gorgeous view known to man. Or I guess, in my outlook. The fall time in New York City, was so enchanting. A small compliance of leaves accompanies the crisp dull air, just to tie off the soundless awakening of the metropolitan each morning. I got to watch the whole world awake, it was very fascinating to me. There is something about watching the world when your lonely. You watch couples, as they stroll by displaying their affection for another as they observe the city. Then, you see those people that are contemplating. They are not sure, what to do in this huge world. They are looking. You can tell they are doing this because there is an enthusiasm in their eye, that needs to be satisfied. Either they are looking to find themselves in the city, or for someone else to find them. They are usually walking with their heads downcast, or with the chatter accompanying them as they walk the park silently. They are blocking out the world. They don’t want to be bothered. This is either because they have given up on the exquisite sights and sounds nature has provided for us, or just because they have not found what they are looking for yet. I consider me of these many people that meander the city. I am still looking. I am looking for something that I have not found yet. It may be myself, it may be somebody else, it may be something. You see, I never was sure. I am looking for something, yet I don’t know what yet. This happens when everything you ever knew what was taken from you. I began to understand these people, who I always thought were pities to the universe.

My further escape, was watching the night sky after the city had cleared. It gives you guidance, it gives you hope, that maybe this vast world has a lot to offer, just when you begin to seek and look for it. For me, I saw stars in people. My star was always, Lawrence. When he vanished from my life, is just left me looking. Looking for a star, a star like him. Searching. Looking for guidance in this cynical world. I was never the same. I rely on the vast nature, searching people, and optimistically qualities of life to lead me to my next venture. Good things are supposed to come to you, right?

At that moment, I realized that people do not choose to be this way. Sometimes you get so damn lost in this fantasy of the world, it is hard to find yourself. You train yourself to rely on everybody else in this world, when at the end of the day the only one who can clean up the messes that surround yourself, is you. I realized why I was so vacant in that moment. I leave pieces of me behind in everything I loved, and everything I loved was gone. I was empty inside. There was nothing left to my bitter, dismantled heart. Lawrence had left, with all the pieces of me that have never been resolved. Therefore, I continue to look around the city. I wait for something that may never come, or may. I wander. I wait for somebody to pick up my pieces, because I could never do it myself. My soul is perpetually damaged in this universe, making it hard for me to enjoy all the fascinating beauty around me like I once did. The beauty of the world ended up in the hands of another human, taking it with them as they left.

Yet the city carries on, throughout everyone’s madness, and throughout mine.

I closed to blinds, and turned my bright lit up room, into overcast darkness. My mind always seems to wander when I look out onto the park where Lawrence and I created most of the eventful nights that still trace my mind every day. Closing the blinds let me move on, just like I always needed to. I have moved on.

I approached my closet, and rummaged the various outfits. I had to be to work at the very early hour of 9 each morning. This keeps me from getting distracted from other things. I slipped my arms through my shirt, and found my preferred black skirt to accompany it. I slowly approached my face to the mirror in my room, to remove the rollers that had been wrapped in my hair all night, as they slowly fell, blonde ringlets surrounded my face. Next, I applied the essentials. A little mascara, powder, and red lipstick was enough to hide any woman’s misery. There was something so wonderful about seeing the finished outcome of yourself each morning, before going out into the world. You get to see yourself for exactly who you want to be. I learned so much from this silly practice. I always obtained so much confidence each morning, to watch it all be crumbled to the ground by night. This is how it is being in the big business of film. One day your beauty doesn’t go un-noticed, next you get told to adjust yourself for not being the beauty’s standards. There was a never in-between in this business. What really is considered beauty, anyway? It fluctuates daily, just like the people. Just like the city. This business never shows you the real side of anybody. With acting, you always see pieces of people, but it never is real. They do it for the fame, the attraction of being somebody in this world. As far as I was concerned, that’s the only reason I ever continued with it. I craved to be somebody in this world, and whatever way I could attain it, I would. I was so lost within the blinding lights, and the gorgeous people, I had never questioned that I had lost myself in these lights. It’s destroying really. I choose to continue to lose myself in these characters, and in these costumes, and buried my problems within the people I pretended to be. That was the easiest way to solve my problems, or at least that is what I thought.

John, was the one that had led me into these perceiving lights. He was the man I met when I was lost, lonely, and diminished from the past. I was vulnerable, and he took advantage of me in the best possible way. The West café, was where we first met and explored each other’s acquaintance. I go early every single morning, read my daily book, sip my coffee, and watch the people as they wander the city to this day. This was my happy spot, where all my problems of the past vanished and got lost in the book I scan for each pretraining morning, it was my escape from my reality.

~

One morning in early July, I found myself broken, and wandering the city. It was a cool, and crisp day. I took the long route to town. I watched as the beautiful blue sky wrapped around me as if it was a blanket, and the day was young. The city was booming, as the world started to come alive. I wandered into the West café, looking for a distraction for the morning to keep my mind from reality. I took my familiar seat, which is a large open window, so I can observe the city. As my eyes rested upon my lengthy book, and sipped the charcoal colored coffee, a man suddenly appeared out of my prevision, and sat in the chair that was accompanied in front of me. Something about me told me to just get up and walk away, another part of me told me to stay. My blonde ringlets clung to my face as I looked up, and my eyes met his.

My eyes suddenly lowered in slight discomfort, as I shifted my hands away from my book slowly closing the crisp pages, “Can I help you?” I said fluttering my eyes, following his, as he slowly observed my facial features. Something strange encountered me at that very moment, wishing that I never had plunged into this situation that was presented upon me.

He chuckled, and quickly glanced outside the window, “You know, I see this beautiful woman sitting here every day, I just wanted to ask what brings you here at early hours every morning, is that so much for a man to ask?” He hung his coat on the chair, and scooted in while resting his face on his palm, silently focusing on me, then returning his eyes to the crowding street. He comfortably sat down, it was like we knew each other for years, meeting each other for coffee. It was like he was noticing the people that I noticed, the people that wander, looking for the next venture in life. How ironic. Somebody that actually pays attention to their surroundings as much as me.

I hadn’t got this very often. But something about it, made me smile. Something about the simplicity, that he encountered me with. “Just reading that’s all.” I replied scratching my nails on the rough surface of my book, returning a smile to his graceful approach.

So, you can’t do this so called “reading” at your humble abode or any place else?

“You caught me. Fine, I come here to escape reality. My happy place. I love to come here to sip my coffee, to see the sights, and the wandering people. Is that the answer you were looking for?”

“It quite frankly was better than your first”, He chuckled. “You see, I love to watch the wandering people just like you. The ones waiting on their life to change, waiting on love, waiting on the stars to guide them. And strangely, they guided me straight to you.”

“So, can I ask what brings you over to me?” I presented an absurd grin. How silly to think he said the stars led him over to me. A thought was floating around my head to get up, but something about me couldn’t. He was quite charming, a guy you don’t see daily. A guy that was supposed to be here the same second that I was here, waiting to change my life.

He slowly removed his hands from his coffee cup that the barista had handed him, the sweet smell of vanilla filled the air, “I wanted to ask a request upon you.” he slowly replied clearing his throat. “I have watched you, for a long time now. I come in here every day as well, not that you notice me, but you know, you’re an interesting young woman. Beautiful, glowing, quite honestly. I have never met somebody like you. You have glitter of hope in your eyes, and I want to offer you a deal I don’t believe you could pass up on. I don’t do this very often,” He raised his coffee and gulped loudly as he began to explain, “But I would like to offer you an audition for my upcoming motion picture.” He said while rummaging in his coat pocket, soon revealing his business card.

There was a hope in his smile, that I would attain this request. Interesting, was one of the many words I could have used to describe his presence. He was enchanting, causing it to be hard to pass up anything he offered. I caught myself looking at him, exploring his dark brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and his abstract charm. I had never had this connection with any other man after Lawrence. I snapped out of the day dream, and soon gave him an explanation, for at first denying his orders.

“An upcoming movie?” I laughed hysterically. “No, you cannot be serious, I am no actress, I believe you have the wrong girl. I grabbed my book and pushed in my chair to leave. “I think I’m going to leave.” I grabbed my purse, and managed to attain a fake smile, letting him know I appreciated his broad offer. “Thank you for the amazing idea, but I cannot take it, I’m sorry, I’m just not the girl you are looking for.” But I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t walk away.

He lowered his coffee from his lips, “Whoa whoa whoa, no reason to get in a distraught mood. He motioned his hands for me to sit back down in my chair, and to keep people from looking over as he raised his voice. “It was just a request that’s all. I’m sorry that I have approached you, I didn’t mean to disturb. If you want me to leave, I will. I will grab my stuff and go right now.” His voice was stern and demanding, providing him with a different tone than when I first started this conversation with him. “I didn’t just approach you for some dull odd reason that I was board and looking for fun, no, I see you wandering. I see you wandering every morning, because I watch you every morning before you enter this café. How ironic is it that we both are looking for the same thing, and you just found what you were looking for, and I found what I was looking for.”

I pushed the blonde ringlets away from my face and as rosy red cheeks were revealed to him,“No… I’m sorry I reacted that way, I just don’t want to waste your time that’s all, it’s just the girl you are looking for, isn’t me.”

“The thing is, you are exactly the girl I’m looking for, he placed his hand near mine, and waited to raise his coffee cup for another sip, “Like I said, I don’t do this often. I see something in you. Your patience, your beauty, everything about you, is attractive. Just please, come to the audition. I think it would be an amazing opportunity for a girl like you, take a chance on me.”

I pondered the request, looking out the window and running my hands in my hair revealing blonde curls that framed my face. What was the worst thing that could happen? Taking chances on new things was something I wanted to improve. I needed to regain this confidence within myself.

My hair fell into my face as I lowered my face it into my palms. “You know what, fine. Fine. I’ll be there.”

White gleaming teeth, was accompanied with a smile, as he glared at me in amazement. “That was the answer I was looking for.” He winked as he rose his coffee to take another small sip as the steam released into the air.

“John Parker.” He escaped his hand from his pocket waiting for me to respond to his firmly gripped handshake.

Suddenly I remembered a billboard that I had passed one morning,“Wait..,” I raised my hand and pointed my finger at him, “You’re John Parker…as in one of the most famous directors in Manhattan, John parker? I said giving him a crude stare as my hand slipped the business card, glancing the information.

He smiled. “Yes, darling. That is correct.”

His black leather coat escaped from the chair, as he sat up from sitting, to return his arms into it. “I bet you’re happy I could get you to change that answer.”

I watched him as he approached the glass door, and walked away, locking eyes as he wandered away from this mysterious morning. It had left me so wonderstruck, that morning. It was the first time I had ever looked up since Lawrence vanished from my life. I took a chance on myself, I engaged in something so juristic, I didn’t even quite recognize that girl that took me over in that very moment when John first approached me. But I was most certain about one thing, I had smiled that morning. One thing I hadn’t done in a while.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Underneath the lights:First book (self-help)

 

Underneath the lights: Your journey to love and life.

 

For anybody that needs help on realizing who you really are, despite the hardships.

This book is for you.

All my Love,

Isabella

 

 

Contents

 

Chapter 1: Opening

Chapter 2: I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.

Chapter 3: Under loves heavy burden do I sink

Chapter 4: The best proof of love is trust

Chapter 5: Happiness is a journey not a destination

Chapter 6: Jealousy will drive you mad..

Chapter 7: Don’t you ever grow up

Chapter 8: Dreamers

Chapter 9: Wise

Chapter 10: Be the type of person you want to meet

Chapter 11: Never be complete

 

 

 

 

~

 

 

These pages are filled with quotes and pictures that I believed fit with each lesson I chose, I hope you enjoy each one I chose to explain each of my topics.

 

 

 

 

 

Opening

Chapter 1

 

One of my very optimistic thoughts at my young age of 15 continues to be the meandering and unfathomable things that make up the human life. I tend to be daydreaming about every complex situation in my life when I rather should be during what normal 15 year old girls do and go text or drool over a trivial boy. Don’t get me wrong, I tend to do these things too, but the non-stop fascination of life tends to take up more of my thinking time on a daily basis. I have begun to realize that every emotion and situation we go through in life is eyed- opening and breathtaking. Every stage we have in life is astounding and staggering in its own way. We need all these situations and lessons in life to bring out who we really are as a person, it can change us.

 

 

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking”

-Marcus Aurelius

 

Stages and lessons we overcome are very important to being a human, because we all have them and even though they can be reluctant and unimportant to us at times, they really make us the people we are today. I think of these stages in life like a string of lights. If one of the lights on your strand burn out, soon the rest of them do as well, and even sometimes they all burn out at once. You need each light on your strand to be working for it too appears perfect, beautiful, and complete. This should be compared to your life. Each light on the strand is events and lessons in your life and they each contribute to the whole thing. If you let a difficulty get the best of you the light on your strand soon burns out over time and so does the rest of your strand. Accepting that these things happen to you keeps your strand appealing and eye-catching.

 

“Don’t get involved in partial problems, but always take flight to where there is a free view over the whole single great problem, even if the view is still not a clear one.”

-Ludwig Wittgenstein

Keeping yours beautiful, is something everything should strive for as a being. Trust me, life gets hard and it continues to get harder. But time heals all wounds, and anything you are struggling with is all a mental situation that is in your hands and that you control. After all, the things we think about the most is what controls us. Nobody has control over yourself like you do. Somebody can make you think about a situation, struggle, or a passion in a certain way, but it is you that decides what to do with this knowledge. I know what you’re expecting, what 15 year old’s writes about a book about life when they have no idea the struggle it is at all? Ha-ha I know, but it’s worth a shot right? Writing is a passion for me, because any piece of literature puts a new image and idea in your head. There are so many vast varieties of writing it is unbelievable. But I decide to give you just this. So think about your strand of lights, what has life done to damage yours?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I found that if you love life, life will love you back.

Chapter 2

 

 

        The most intriguing question I have repeating over and over in my mind, seems to be the most controversial chapter in this book. What is life to you? Do you love life? Do you not put much thought into it? So the name of this chapter is none other than if you love life, it will love you back. Life is many compelling ideas, passions, sights, places; the list goes on and on. The moment I realized this, I spent every second I have enjoying everything around me.

 

“Whenever you feel lost, remember this: there are still over 7 billion people in the world left to meet. There are nearly two hundred beautiful countries for you to explore. There are so many new exiting foods you haven’t tried yet. There are so many beautiful adventures to be had. So, just hold on, because there are so many wonderful things coming your way”

-Anonymous

 

 

 

 

Enjoy when the sun rises and sets every single day in the most elegant way. Enjoy when it goes down, and you let the cool wind fly across your face as you look up at the stars and every amazing thing in the sky. Notice the crickets that chirp you to sleep and the humming birds that wake you up. Enjoy those cool fall days, when you enjoy apple cider and glazed doughnuts and go pick out a pumpkin from the patch, and carve it. Love the sights you see and the places you go, because this doesn’t last forever. Go outside and enjoy the nature around you. Look at lovely autumn trees, blooming flowers, and the revealing truth of life around you. Take a walk and hear the crunch of branches and leaves beneath your feet and the captivating noises of life all around you. So take this and travel all around the world. Go watch a river slowly stream and polish rocks and feel it on your tip of your fingers. Go to places where it is tropical and exotic, and you can feel the sunshine on your skin. Go to places where it is cold and watch the refreshing snow fall to the palm of your hand and look at all the different snowflakes.

“You are the books you read, the films you watch, the music you listen to, and the people you meet, the dreams you have, the conversations you engage in. You are what you take from these. You are the sound of the ocean, the breath of fresh air, the brightest light and the darkest corner. You are a collective of every experience you have had in your life. You are every single day. So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge and existence. Let the words run through your veins and let the colors fill your mind.”

-Anonymous

 

 

Visit New York City when it is all lit up and the compelling source of people and light from booming business is surrounding you. Go to a place where you can enjoy and learn new things from all the diverse people around you. Learn a different language and travel to places where you can begin to speak it. I bet you will learn many new things from these people from these places, because they are different then you. Go tour around the world to places, leave the country. Take risks. Try the food you never thought you would and respect the abstract ways people make it from how you do. Life is a beautiful thing and no matter how many lists I can make from things to enjoy, the list will never be enough. The definition of the beauty of the world is in your hands, and only you decide what you find enchanting, and what you don’t.

 

 

Take chances. Go skydiving, climb a mountain, hike, ride the biggest roller-coaster that you dare to never come in contact with. Surround yourself with diverse places and people and begin to learn the way they perceive life and how they picture it in their eyes. The most important idea is just to accept the life living around you. The fascinating green grass, trees, plants, and animals. They are all living, just like you. They get a new shot at life every single day just like you do. There all living and breathing things and you should love them. They are surrounding you everywhere you go.

 

What I am telling you, is go and try new things, no matter what the risk may be. The best memories are created from chances that you took, and they were grand enough that they remained in your memory. I want each and every one of you to surround yourself with a life that you can laugh, love, and remember. I want each and every one of you to take a risk each and every day. This helps you build and grow; it also lets you find your inner self.

Finding yourself is amazing. This last year, I was a completely different person that I have ever been. I know this usually happens in life, when you finally realize your purpose for being here, and suddenly it’s like the world around you changes. It’s like it was a whole new me that never saw the light of day, because I was afraid what others would think about me. Trying new things, meeting new people, going to new places; this helps you find that inner light that I did. One day you have to wake up and look in the mirror, and say, this is me and nobody is stopping where I’m going to go in life. I’m going to explore and create myself every single day, and nobody will slow me down.

 

Recently, I have discovered that if I died today I would not be satisfied. If you feel the same way, I want you to begin to explore your likes and dislikes, meet new people, and travel more. Open your mind.

“There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise.”

-Emery Allen

 

Life is surrounding you everywhere you go, and it should never be taken for granted. It’s charismatic and captivating to realize all the things we have and what we can explore in this life. So pick yourself up and explore. Explore around places, sites, sounds, that you realize you take for granted. Listen to a new genre of music, old music, or maybe even a vintage movie that shows life in a way that you haven’t. Expanding your horizon on the world is a magnificent thing. Understanding that seeing the world, in a way other than your own, is also a great thing. As you begin to see the world, I guarantee you will love it. Take this knowledge and realize that as soon as you love life, I promise it will love you back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Under loves heavy burden

Do I sink?

Chapter 3

 

I know what you are thinking from the name of this chapter. What girl this age enjoys Shakespeare and quotes it, or let alone takes the time to understand it. That’s right I do! Actually, this quote is quite intriguing to me. Of course you may know, this quote is from no other than the most popular love story of all time. *cough Romeo and Juliet cough* I first had the pleasure of coming across this quoting when I watched Romeo and Juliet, and couldn’t seem to have it leave my mind.

What did under loves heavy burden do I sink mean? I soon began to realize that this quote fits in many people’s lives, just like mine. It means that this love is despised and that maybe the love is forbidden. The love is so heavy upon your heart, you feel as if you are sinking or drowning upon the thought of it. I have felt this before. If you have had this feeling before you know you have most likely had felt you needed somebody in your life even if it was a burden that felt like weights upon weights on top of your heart. Life is no other than this all through it. Yes, there will be people that come in and out of your life that you feel that are just what this quote is trying to explain. The most part nobody understands about this quote is that even though Juliet was a burden to Romeo, he still chose to be with her. Even though everybody warned him not to be with her, he still did. He loved her. This is an example that even if you feel as if your heart is sinking and diminishing from somebody, they might always be a part of you.

 

 

Last year, I experienced my first heartbreak. Not knowing how it felt at the time, but soon realizing I was crushed, damaged, and scared. I never had felt that way before. As weeks became months, months became years, I was still not over this person. Even though they were a burden to me, I still loved them with every part of me. I was mesmerized. There was this part of me that was incapable of letting go, and realizing, that what they did was broke me. These people can break you again, if they are given the power to do so again. The more power we give things, is a greater chance that it takes us over. But I still chose to love him, and forgive. He was a burden to my heart, but to me he was more than that. He was the one that I would’ve done anything for; I would’ve changed myself in any way he wanted me to because I truly loved him. But at the same time when my heart was saying yes, my mind was saying no.

 

“It just didn’t make sense at all, because the more I tried to forget you the more everything reminded me of you”

-r.m. drake

 

This is the choosing of who is so powerful in your heart that no matter what there is nothing that would stop you from being with them. This could also mean that even continuous hurting from this person would never change the way you thought about them and you still are find them alluring and captivating in your eyes. Love is a very tricky thing and you have to know what people in your life you will fight to have, and the ones you won’t. Loosing somebody isn’t always a bad thing. Burdens upon your heart can be terrible and prodigious all at the same time. So choose that one person you would fight to be in your life no matter what. Some people will forever be in out memory and we cannot control it. This leads us to believe, that maybe they are there for a reason. If you feel you cannot repair this love for whatever reason, maybe it is best to have them in some way in our lives. Whatever way you feel is best, I want you to have them in whatever way you think is right, even if that means in no way at all.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, that person that hurt us should not be in our life anymore. Even if every inch of you want them, we know it will end up hurting us in the end.

 

 

“Before you say yes, get him angry. See him scared, see him waiting, and see him sick. Stress changes a person. Find out if he drinks and if he does, get him drunk- you’ll learn more about his sober thoughts. Discover his addictions. See if he puts you in front of them. You can’t change people, baby girl. If they are made one way, it doesn’t just wear off. If you hate he acts when he’s out of it now, you’re going to hate it eight years down the road. You might love him to bits but it doesn’t change that some people just don’t fit”

-Anonymous

 

 

You need to trust your heart. Sometimes our head and heart are both saying different things. If you know in your heart, that you will keep getting hurt over and over by this person, you need to let them go. If this person is getting the advantage to do this to you over and over, trust me they will. You are giving them to power to. Please choose wisely when making this decision.

 

 

 

 

 

“One day, weather you are

14, 28, or 65

You will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest, most awful truth that you will come to find—

Is they are not always whom we spend our lives with.”

-Anonymous

 

This quote will sure describe most any love you have. Love is something that is not always the same every time you try it. But love is the hardest obstacle you will ever have to face in your life. But it is also the most magical. So whoever you thought about as you read this either had or has a burden on your heart, and you chose who is worth fighting for. Overcoming this obstacle keeps that strand of lights I explained about in the beginning, all shining and beautiful; don’t let a broken heart burn yours out.

 

 

The best proof of love is trust

Chapter 4

 

Trust can easily be broken, bonded, or created. Trust is so intellectual. Trust is something very important we all need to let people in and out of our lives. Learning to do this could then again, be so very difficult. Knowing how to trust after you have been broken has been one of the worst contemplations I have ever experienced. Letting anybody in can already seem as difficult. People want to be understood on a level that not everyone can supply after their trust is broken. I know how people feel this way, how could you possibly trust somebody when almost everyone who has come along has promised something they have not kept. It will happen to you at some point in your life. Somebody will come along, an amazing lover or friend. They will treat you as if you were the most amazing thing on this earth, and they will leave you like you were the least in a heartbeat.

I want you to learn who you are and your standards for yourself. If you keep getting let down every time over and over, this is because you are allowing this to happen. If you remove those people from your life, you are creating a space for yourself that cannot be hurt anymore.

 

 

The bottom line is, you usually can’t always trust everyone with your heart like you thought. You have to keep the perfect balance of letting people in your mind and heart, but also keeping them out. The only thing that can never hurt this is after all, you. Possibly the best way to relive the pain is working on you as a person, and keeping everybody out for a while. Building yourself is the best way to help with this.

 

 

 

 

 

“I have given my heart to people who only wanted my body. I have given my love to people who are still capable only capable of “like”. I have treated boys like they were my man. I have called jokers my king. I have put people first who I am always second to. I have given the world to people who don’t even deserve a city. I have thought the world of people who only thought the world of themselves. I have held people close to my chest that ran over my heart. I would love to blame “people” for doing all of these things to me, but I have to realize that every hurtful thing that I’ve written starts with “I”.

 

-Jessica Jarrell

 

Pick and choose these special people wisely, because other than that the only person who will always have control is you. If somebody gives you love, attention, care, and stability let them in. Everyone deserves to be in your life unless proven otherwise. But the moment they give you a reason not to, double check your standards on what you want in a person. Trust is all depended on none other than you. Letting somebody go, could be just as good. If somebody has damaged the way you learn how to conquer and let trust in, they don’t deserve you. You deserve somebody that will not matter what not damage you or the way you perceive trust. If you think about it in this way, if somebody did this did they actually care about you, or your feelings? No. They did not, and this will just keep diminishing your thoughts on this subject. You see, the only person who can make these decisions is yourself. Everyone else believes it’s the world and people to blame. But you are held responsible for all your thoughts and actions, not them. It’s you that chooses who you spare your time for. You are either giving people the strength to hurt you, or build you. So the next time you are feeling restrained and unsure, think about this.

 

 

 

Chapter 5

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

 

Happiness is a journey, not a destination. This is one of my favorite sayings. I love this because it explains all the obstacles, in one. This means that sometimes you fall, sometimes we cry, and sometimes we break. We are human, and we all experience this pain. Happiness is not always where are path is heading at times.

 

 

 

In this life we will face heartbreak. We will face dead end roads. We will face money problems. We will face demons. We will not feel like we love ourselves, or where we are heading. All the time we can’t be happy, we have to face our demons. The people in my life that have faced the worst problems, I feel are the happiest people. We have to face bad times, to realize what it truly means to become happy with ourselves and our lives. In fact that is where the popular quote that after rain, comes sunshine. Meaning, in order to get to the better things in life you have to be unhappy at times. Things will never be perfect.

 

 

 

If you are not happy with your life, I want you to remember to never give up. There are people here that love, care, and hope the best for you. I do. Surround yourself with things that bring the best out of you. Set yourself free. Explore. Always remember that there are people that can help you, and that will encourage your goals. Everything in the end heals. Things always turn out to be okay.

 

“Everything heals. Your body heals. Your heart heals. The mind heals. Wounds heal. Your happiness is always going to come back, bad times don’t last.

-Anonymous

 

If you are not happy with yourself, remember its okay not to think you are perfect every day. Because deep down, nobody is. If you have short hair, you are beautiful. If you have long hair, you are beautiful. If you have scars, you are beautiful. If you are short, you’re beautiful. If you are tall, you’re beautiful. Different color hair is amazing. Tattoos and piercings. Dress the way that makes you happy. Express yourself. The most open minded people and expressive people are the ones that end up getting the furthest in life. Love yourself for whatever that may be, and in the end I believe you will reach your destination of happiness. Finally realizing that you are yourself, and nobody can change you is the most wonderful feeling. I want you to remember that whatever way that you see as beautiful, is what you need to be. I want you to look whatever way that you want. I have changed myself due to society’s standards, but then suddenly realized that what really are society’s standards? First it’s skinny and blonde, and then it changes to curvy and dark hair. I have reached the point in where I have realized, there is no such thing as perfect. It’s an image that society wants us to believe is real. So we will purchase there magazines, and watch their movies, and listen to their music. What is the point of striving to look a certain way, when everybody has a different view of what it actually means? Nobody would ever be able to agree on one look. Therefore, that is why we need different people. We need to have different clothes, different weights, and different hair. So whatever puts you on your path of happiness, take that road. This will put you on your journey to happiness.

 

 

 

10 ways to be Happy:

  • Accept the things you cannot change. If you can and want to change them, do it.
  • Let go of the people who are holding you down. If you considered them, you already know who these people are.
  • Blast your favorite upbeat song, and sing at the top of your lungs, dancing as you go.
  • Go for a run. A nice, long run. Run until you feel good; at the very least, you’ll be tired enough that the feelings will deem less major.
  • Call someone you love, just hearing there voice can make your day better.
  • Smile at a stranger. It will make both of you smile.
  • Send an anonymous compliment.
  • Write down everything you don’t like about yourself. Rip it. Burn it.
  • Watch your favorite movies
  • Realize that you are your own biggest critic. People do not see the faults in yourself that you do. So realize that they are not faults, not imperfections. They make you, you.-Anonymous 

 

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Chapter 6

 

Jealousy will drive you mad.

 

 

 

Jealousy will drive you mad. This quote I noticed from one of my favorite films “Moulin Rouge” my close friends will giggle, thinking of course she picked a quote from that movie. But I think it has much relevance to life. Jealousy is all around us, and even though many people don’t admit it, we have all been jealous. This is because we want to feel more important. We want to feel like we are doing something better then somebody else. Jealously is a very crushing emotion, and also the most frustrustrating. Success, love, lives, and more all come with jealousy.

 

The number one reason humans feel jealousy, is love. I have felt this way before. In relationships with other people, we discover lack of attention and love can lead to jealousy. If your significant other is giving their attention to somebody else, we feel anger, envy. Why do we feel this way? Because we wish that it was us. We always want the feeling that we are being loved, by the person we demand love from. But that isn’t always the case. You will face that relationships, usually come to an end because of this.

 

“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and under circumstances, can be life-threatening.”

 

-Anonymous

 

Jealousy leads to trust issues, and trust issues leads to no trust at all. How do we control jealousy in a relationship? Don’t worry about others in your relationship. If somebody is threatening your relationship in any way, you will know. If your partner wants others attention over yours, they will end the relationship. Usually we create problems in our mind, or start fights that didn’t even need to be started. Just remember the person you are with is with you because they love you and if they didn’t they wouldn’t be there. Trust your partner because jealousy doesn’t have to be a factor in a relationship. Most of the time, we focus on problems that never even existed.

 

 

“Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealously- in fact; they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other.”

 

-Robert A. Heinlein

 

 

 

 

The second way we feel jealousy, is from success. No matter what we will always feel this way. We are jealous if somebody else is farther ahead career wise, success wise, or money wise. So I want to warn you, it will always be around. When you are building yourself up, there will be many people that are looking to tear you down. You can either ignore this, or let it slow you down. There will always be negative people looking to steal your success. These people usually have not gotten as far as you, so don’t worry about it. Focus on the ways that you can stop this. When you see somebody that is more successful, makes more money, lives in a better home, have more friends. That is for a reason. They have worked to get where they are, and are not stopping. These are the people that have not slowed down for the negativity. They have not noticed the negativity around them, and worked for what they wanted to achieve in life. Maybe we need more people that think that way. We need to stop spreading negativity with jealousy, but positivity with love. Go up to somebody that is successful in life, and smile and congratulate them. We need more driven people in this world, and jealousy will defiantly not achieve it. Every single one of us deserves to strive in our own way. We all deserve to be successful in the best way that we can. So to all the successful people that didn’t slow down for anybody, I’m proud of you.

 

“Some envy and resent those whom they see as more successful than themselves. They dream of success, and social recognition without hard work, all such attitudes stems from the dire delusion that success can be gained from somewhere favorable outcome of something attempted failing to acknowledge that the achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted is attributed to hard work.”

 

-Dr. Anil Kumar Sinha

 

In all, I want you to remember that jealousy is sprouted from anger, and hatred. Try not to feel this emotion any more. I want you to each and every day say something congratulating, and nice to another person. A stranger is even better. Congratulate on how far we have all come, because sometimes that is all a person needs is recognition of hard work. Do not let the jealousy of others; shape your state of mind. I promise that spreading love, will always make you feel better. After all jealousy will drive you mad.

 

 

 


 

Chapter 7

Don’t you ever grow up

        We all want to grow up. Were desperate to get there to grab all the opportunities that we can..to live. Were so busy trying to get out of that nest, we don’t think about the fact that it’s going to be cold out there…really freakin cold. Because growing up sometimes means leaving people behind. And by the time we stand on our own two feet, were standing alone.

-anonymous

 

Growing up, growing up usually is made out to be this perspective that isn’t good. But what people don’t tell you is it happens to all of us, and it is scary. We are forced to walk out in this big world and expect to know exactly what we are doing. The truth is, I am frightened to grow up. I know that I will stumble, and I will make mistakes, and I’ll have to face growing up. Growing up isn’t just going to just be scary, but it will be confusing. Life is not going to be a white picket fence, and green grass. Even though somedays we feel it can be, the next day our picket fences will be gray and our lawn will be brown. I know each and every one of us deep down, feel the same way. We are afraid of entering this world and messing up. We are afraid that we will not find out true love. We are afraid we will not get the job. We are afraid that we will not be good enough for society’s standards. I’m here to tell you that growing up is going to be horrifying. But right now is the youngest you are ever going to be, and the least wise. Life is all about making mistakes along the way, and learning from them. Growing up is going to lead you to many mistakes that one day you will have mastered. That is why society blinds that growing up is scary, they want you to learn the mistakes that you make for yourself. They want you to stumble; they want you to just pick yourself up after.

“Sitting here thinking, one day I’m not going to go to school tomorrow. One day I’m not going to be able to see my friends every single day anymore.     One day we are going to grow old and forget half the people we spend the first 18 of our lives with. One day some people are going to move far away. One day me and my best friend won’t talk every day like we used to. One day our young loves won’t be around anymore. One day I’m probably never going to speak to some of my closest friends that I had at school. One day life won’t be easy. One day all my favorite bands and musician’s won’t be making music anymore. One day all the things that that made me happy when I was young wont exist anymore. One day my parents won’t be around anymore. One day ill forget all the amazing times I had with my friends. One day I’m going to be too old to do the things I used to love to do. One day life will change. I say I want to grow up so much. One day I’m going to regret wanting to grow up so quickly. One day life won’t be the same.

-Anonymous

You are going to get your heart broken along the way, you are going to experience failing a test, you are going to lose friends, and you are going to get into fights with your parents. You are going to have your first kiss. You’re going to have your last kiss. People in your life, will die. But darling, I want you to remember that growing up does not have to be done a certain way, and these emotions that we feel are just temporary. We are all growing up, and these are all parts of it. We are all designed to make mistakes along the way. I want you to have to face these demons, because in the end this is what is going to make you a stronger and healthier person. I want you to just remember that one day, everything will be okay. Life will be figured out, but I want you to go make memories and mistakes and fall in love. We are always looking forward, and never enjoying what is happening in the moment. We are always too concerned to grow up and do things right, then doing it in the way we intended it to be. This life will never be the way that it is now at this very moment, so I want you to go out and take chances. Grow up and live free. Nobody is going to hold you back. This is one of my favorite quotes I found that describes growing up.

 

“I walked over the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were enough always, but it isn’t.

 

-Stephan Chbosky quoted in “The Perks of being a Wildflower”

 

 

 

I want each and every one of you to no longer be afraid of growing up, because now we know that sad things that lie ahead and determine our destiny’s. We are the youngest version of us that we will ever be, at this very moment. So do not be afraid to fall in love anymore. Do not be afraid to lose the job. Do not be afraid to have a house without a white picket fence, and green grass. Do not be afraid to call up your parents and tell them that you love them. Go out and hug a stranger, go and tell your best friends you love them. Go and walk your school halls and feel grateful for every test you have failed, and every class you have struggles in. Go and tell that girl that you had drama with, that thank you, because you helped me grow up. Thank you for showing me what friends I want in life. Go tell your ex, the same thing while you at it. All these struggles show us the best and truest version that we will ever be. Growing up should not be scary anymore; it should be something we look forward to.

Chapter 8

Dreamers

 

“Dreamers are mocked as impractical. The truth is they are the most practical, as their innovations lead to progress and a better way of life for all of us”

 

-Robin s. Sharma

 

 

 

             I consider myself a dreamer. When I was 5, I dreamed about being a princess. I would try on my dress and plastic heels, and play all day long. Until somebody told me it was “stupid” and “pointless” that I was doing so. Like most little girls I thought when I grew up I could be anything I wanted, I thought nobody would stop me become anything I wanted to be. I was wrong. The bigger the dream you have, the more people are trying to stop it. When I was 7, I dreamed about being a singer. I was fascinated by all the popular people around me that have so much recognition for doing this. So I started singing every chance I could. I sang around the house, I sand in the shower, I sang when I was sad. I was a dreamer. When people found out that I loved this, they made fun of me. When I was 10 years old, I wanted to be an actress. I knew for sure now this is what I wanted to do. I started practicing in the mirror, I tried out for theatre shows, and I learned from my mom, who loved to act. But soon enough, I realized I didn’t want to do that, I listened to what people thought about me. When I was 12, I wanted to be a doctor. I started looking up jobs that I could do, what made the most money, and what the jobs pertained to. Until I was told one day I was not smart enough to be a doctor. Soon I turned 14; I wanted to be a motivational speaker. I thought this was really what I wanted to do now, until it wasn’t. I was told it was going to be too hard to become this. So many thoughts around me told me, why should I even choose, if people won’t agree with I want to do with my life? Soon enough, I turned 15. I felt like this was a big year for me. When I was 15, I wanted to be a counselor. I do not know for sure that this is what I will pursue, but I do know one thing for sure. I didn’t care about what people thought about me anymore. I didn’t care if somebody frowned upon what I wanted to do with my future. I finally realized that what I love doesn’t have to be what everybody else loves. I am me, and I will never change for anyone. When I was 15, I also came up with more things I wanted to do with my life. I want to be a speaker, a writer, a singer, a lover, a friend. I realized there are so many things you can be. I chose these, despite what anybody thought. I love that about myself.

 

“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake up in the day to find that it was vanity, but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible”

 

-T.E. Lawrence

 

I want all of you, to drop what you’re doing and complete this project I’m going to give you. I want you to grab a piece of paper, anything you can write on. Number it 1-10. If you want more, you can do so. I want you to write down 10 goals or dreams that you have had for yourself, that possibly people have frowned upon. I want you to write them down. Then I want you to make a new sheet of paper. Number it 1-10. Write down 10 goals that you have completed in life. Compare the two. Are there some goals that people frowned upon, but you ended up completing it anyway? Now I want you to scratch the whole two lists, forgetting they even existed. Now I want you to make a new list of goals and dreams you want to complete. I want you to pursue all these, and make them come true. I want you to remember that you are capable of being whatever you want, and that I believe in you. Now I want you to add pictures, or designs, you know to make it more interesting right? Ha-ha. Last, I want you to hang it up somewhere you can see it every single day. I want you to cross of every single goal you accomplish, and when your list is complete, I want you to tell me.

 

 

 

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer, always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world”

 

-Harriet Tubman

 

Dreamers like you, will change the world.

 

 

 

Chapter 9

Wise

 

This is one of the chapters that really hits home to my heart. This chapter was sparked after spending countless moments with my grandparents. My grandparents have been there through the worst and best times growing up. They watched me grow into a young adult, and make sure that I always had a friend when I needed one. They have given me determination and drive. I love them with all my heart, and I think we all need to take a moment to appreciate our elders. I realized that as I was growing into a busy teenager, I never stopped and appreciated all the countless hours they have helped build and create my mind. When I think about them, I always send them a text reminding them to have a good day, and that I appreciate them. They have been through life already, and let me tell you they have some grand stories to tell you. One of the people that inspired me to write this chapter was my Grandpa Bob. He has constantly been there for me. When I need a hug, life advice, or help making a decision. He always made sure to tell me to get good grades, and to never give up on what I want to do in life. He has been there for me ever since I was a little girl. He would constantly take me on countless ice cream trips, and I’m forever thankful for that ha-ha. He would let me drink countless root beer floats. He would take me to the local market, and let me pick out anything there that I wanted. He would always let me just eat the marshmallows out of the lucky charm cereal that was always at his house. He would let me go camping, and laugh at me when I fell off the monkey bars and got two black eyes. (Or at least that’s how I remembered it ending) Of course Isabella tends to be a little over-dramatic.

 

 

 

 

I can’t wait tell he opens up to this chapter and reads this. I bet he will smile. What I want all of you to do, is go tell an elder that you appreciate there presence. I want you to ask them how life was a as kid. I want you to ask them about high school. I want you to ask them about being an adult. I want you to ask them what was there favorite music growing up. I want you to know, that they would do anything to never see you fall or get hurt. I want you to learn as much as you can, before you have to go out there and experience it all by yourself. They really do enjoy having your presence.

 

In all, I want you to make sure that you tell whoever has helped you through all your stages in life, that you love them. The one thing about our elders is we have no idea when it will be our last time with us. We have no idea when are last conversation, will be the last time we will ever see them. I make sure to spend as much time with them, because they never gave up on me. I want to return the favor back to them. As they get older and watch you grow up, it hurts them too. They don’t enjoy getting older, and seeing you grow up. So I want you to always keep in mind, to tell them that you love them. Let them know when there advice has helped you. Let them know when you thought of them. Even though you feel as if they are holding you back, they want you to succeed.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 10

Be the type of person that you want to meet

 

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us. And the world will live as one.”

 

-John Lennon

 

 

Recently, I have discovered how judgmental other people are being to others. I have noticed that the world is changing around us. We embrace everyone how they are, and we want them to be happy despite race, culture, and sexual orientation. But it is never that easy. We have many people that don’t accept this. We don’t like how the world is changing. But I do. I can’t express how unhappy it is when I see a single race, being targeted for our world’s problems. I can’t express how hurtful it is, to see people hating other people, just because of who they love. I can’t stand the countless problems we have with weapons, stealing, and hatred.

I wish the world could be kind, but it will never be. But we can do something as a whole to change this. After all, we are all the same on the inside, so why can’t we just think about it that way? I want you to learn to accept the world around us. I want you to accept every race, despite what the news is telling you. I want you to except that who people love, will always be who they love. Hating them, is not changing the way they are living there life. They are happy this way. I can’t express how much I love diversity. I want every single one of you to be the same way, and I know some people won’t. But I can’t seem to understand why; it’s so hard for other people to just be compassionate.

As for the people that already have took this information before, thank you. You have made the world a better place.

 

I hope my kids pick up this up and read this someday, and I want them to learn the same way I did. I want them to love and accept everybody around them. I know by then, the world will be changing just like the way it is now. I hope violence won’t be as big as an issue as it is now. I hope fighting won’t be a problem in their school. I want them to learn that being different, isn’t so bad at all. It’s what makes life interesting.

 

I want to touch on a subject that took place last month, the Orlando shooting. This took place in a nightclub in Orlando, Florida. I won’t lie; this is part of why I wanted to touch on this subject. 50 men were shot (not all gay, but somewhere) I was devastated when I saw that on the news. I wondered why we have to be so hateful. Why did we have to solve problems, with a gun? The other side that crossed my mind, is even if the man didn’t support gays, why was he in a nightclub with them? Look, I won’t make you support anything. But I do want you to respect their personal lives. I want to send out love and prayers to all the family’s that were affected by this. I hope they see how nasty one person can be. But I hope this teaches the world a lesson, and helps us come together. This didn’t stop them from becoming who they wanted to be. I love that. So for all of you out there, thank you for being a brave soul and not giving up on the life that was chosen for you. I love each and every one of you with all my heart.

 

My last subject I want to touch on is race. This is a very touchy subject for some people, but hey it’s real and happening. We tend to hate one partial group, for all the problems that happen in the world. But it shouldn’t be that way. How can we judge a whole race as one? It just doesn’t make and since. I have met countless black people that I love. I have met countless Muslims that I love. I have met countless white people that I love. Asians, Mexicans, the list goes on. But yet we tend to blame one whole group for our world’s problems. But they aren’t all the same. All people will never be the same. Bad people are not defined from a race. This is the most important fact I have ever learned.

Therefore, I have learned to get along with every single type of person. I hope this has taught you to be the same way.

 

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

 

-Martin Luther King Jr.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 11

Never be complete

 

Well, Now that we covered all that. I hope you know I have put my heart and soul into this book. There is only so much knowledge a 15 year old can comply at the age, right?

 

“When you get just a complete sense of blackness, or void ahead of you, that somehow the future looks an impossible place to be, and the direction you are going seems to have no purpose, there is this word despair, which is a very awful thing to feel”

-Stephan Fry

 

 

After this book was all finished, I bet you all wondered what inquired these stages to be as a strand of lights. This idea was brought to be after I realized that my room always has to have a strand of twinkle lights in the room, above my bed, or decoratively on the wall. Having them there sets this magical, enchanting, and beautiful mood. Sometimes, when a light on them would go out, I realized that it didn’t make it less beautiful, but incomplete. While these would hang in my room, or most of the time draped above my bed, I would think. I would think about all the beautiful stages we go through in life, that didn’t make us less human. Every single night, I would plug them in, and from my wandering mind, I would think. Sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours. I would grab my notebook and write these ideas down. I suddenly realized that if I had so many ideas I should take it to another extent. I wrote a book. I want to thank these cheap, chinsy, lights that hung above my bed every night. They inspired this. When one of your lights burn out, always remember there is ways to repair it. Love, travel, heal, repeat. Always have room to make you a better person. Make mistakes. Fall in love. Fall out of love. Smile at a stranger. Expand your horizon. Read more. Listen to different music. Find yourself.

I want you all to remember that if these same subjects have crossed your mind, don’t be afraid to share your opinion. I want to all inspire this to share the way you feel, on all these topics and more. I hope to expand this book one day, but for now this is enough. Hang up a strand of twinkle lights, and I hope when you do, it reminds you of this amazing book. Never give up on your dreams.

 

 

Never be complete.

 

 

 

“You need to aim beyond what you are capable of; you must develop a complete disregard for where your abilities end. Try to do things you’re incapable of…if you think you’re incapable of running a company, make that your aim..make your vision of where you want to be a reality. Nothing is impossible.”

 

-Paul Arden

prologue: The stars I saw in him. (Romance novel)

Prologue

 

I hadn’t had one of these dreadful days in a while. This feeling of everything I ever loved, vanished. I lowered my tea from my trembling lips, and observed the autumn leaves fall from outside. One tear pondered down my ice-cold face. It was the only one I would allow myself to shed. The world felt as if it was dwindling around me, yet all I could do was stand and observe. It is yet the loneliest a person can be, yet pretending to be as if everything is fine is how this usually works. This window had been one of the many places I sit when I need to disperse my thoughts. I watched as each one of the polychromatic leaves descended from the tree, focusing on all the lovely colors each one of them presented. Observing the leaves bring me a since of sanity, beauty, peace. The fall time had always been one of my desired times of the year. The air is so crisp and subtle, and you can perceive anything and everything. The weather is gorgeous, and the nature all around is nothing short from extraordinary. Then I remembered. Soon all the memories began to flash into my head one by one. Then I realized why I always like to sit in this spot, this time of the year remind me of him. One communal memory shinned in my head, like the brightest star that never seems to fade.

You see where I lived, was Manhattan. One of the largest cities in the entire world. It is still the most gorgeous place have ever visited, yet I have the gift to live here. The city never sleeps. There is always people going somewhere at all times of the day. This is where the quote, “I have things to do, and people to see,” is always the truth ha-ha. Yet for me, it wasn’t.

3 years ago, I lost the one person I did everything with. The one who took me to the coffee shop, because he knew I loved little things. The one who knew me like the back of his hand. The one who would watch me ice skate in the glimmering snow for hours, to watch me laugh till I couldn’t anymore, and stumble occasionally as I caught the way you looked at me. The one who never gave up on me no matter how many times I let him down. You see, people like this do not come around often. When they do, it is all a fantasy upon a dream all combusted within your wildest dreams. That is how I lost him. Sometimes, you put too much faith into the things you love the most mostly because you want to believe it exists. There are many things in this world that don’t exist.

 

The  memories had, and eternally would be the one thing that wouldn’t leave, even though he did.

 

With a tear gradually skimming down my face, I pulled out a crinkled, yellow paper that publicized four valuable words. The four words I always had to keep hidden from everybody else. I constantly strained to keep myself from not partaking it with me. Whenever it was brought out, it was like an obscure cloud was hovering over me and all I felt was discomfort and agony. Almost like a never-ending downpour, and contentment was hidden by a delirious sky. I was absent without him, and the one solitary thing that ever encountered me was this remark.

The note was detreating and taped to be held together, holding together the only thing he had left behind when he left. It was such a yet modest but significant note. The four words that changed my life forever. The four words that also kept me holding on to myself.

~~

 

“I love you Elizabeth” He whispered.

 

The night was serene as we sat in the park, a vivid red stitched blanket lied beneath us, with a wicker brown basket by our side. One of our preferred times to get away was having picnics in the park. We would lie down and point out our desired stars and cuddle as the nights murky yet dazzling sky would take over the day. Stars was one of our beloved sights to see. Stars radiance could never be confined by any picture.

That’s the way I thought about him. The way he was, could never be apprehended. It was somewhat, roughly something you had encounter in the moment.

Just like I saw the stars; the loveliness could never be justified. It just is. The night sky is the furthermost glorious sight that we have from here on earth. The only reason we look onward to night is to see those lovely stars. You see, the stars were in no hesitation, the way I saw him. When you gaze up in the sky, you see gorgeous pathways of light captured by every star. Each star has its own splendor, but is perceived identical usually.

Although, they are all very altered. He was that one beautiful star you could have found out of any night sky. People to me where always rivaled to the night sky, because everyone around us has that specific light that only they pertain. It just takes that one distinctive person to find the alterations in your beauty.

I found a star in him. As I looked up into the sky, I always felt like he was with me.

 

I permanently wanted him with me, little did I know this was the last time I would ever see him again.

~~

“If I asked you would you be able to count all the stars in the sky for me”? He smiled and gazed at me, and then returned his eyes to the vast alluring spread of the night sky. He had this way of making me feel so imperative when my eyes encountered his. I felt as if every imperfection I ever tried to conceal while I glared into his eyes, had diminished. I was adored, I was fulfilled. It was all a girl like me could ever desire and fantasize of.

I yeaned I could have gotten the chance to express this to him enough while he was here.

~~

“No”, I giggled as he picked a strand of hair away from my face. I moved closer to him and adjusted my hair, yet his eyes focused on the stars. “Are you joking with me, Lawrence? I laughed waiting for his long-ridden response. He scanned back to the ground and suppressed the blanket down, and set his hand right next to mine. He did not hold it, but just left me waiting for more. He left me gasping every time.

“No I am not joking, you know, you’re something special Elizabeth.” “The most famous poets in the entire world can’t suppress their love for things even sometimes, you know that?” He grabbed me and shaked me side to side, pulling me closer at the night draped over us and the lovely dark sky was eroded with twinkle lights. “Okay well since you insist,” he mumbled as his eyes rolled to the top of his head and smiled. “I will try to explain it to you, but don’t keep any grudges on me.” He chuckled.

“I’m listening.” I giggled as I scanned his clothes, neck, and finally back up to his eyes.

“This is exactly my love for you, it cannot be determined, counted, or notorious by anybody or anything. It is yet something only I know. I know everything about you, Elizabeth. I know the way you watch the sunrise and sunset just to see the colors. I know you enjoy getting coffee, just so you can bring your favorite book to skim over as you drink it.” My eyes widened as he pulled me closer to his face cradling me in the calmness surrounding us. “I know that you pick out your outfits the night before you wear them. I know the littlest things will make you smile. I know you love to sing and dance when I’m not watching. I also know that I don’t know how long these good times will last. I don’t know where I’ll be in a year, let alone where I will be tomorrow. Things god damn change and Elizabeth, even though we want to imagine good times always last, sometimes they don’t. We are changing people just like this city surrounding us. But just know people wait a lifetime to feel the way that I feel about you. It will never be painless loving you, and I know that. But I would devote a lifetime just trying to figure you out. I would spend a lifetime just to see that smile of yours as much as I can. I want you eternally.” He whispered, as he explored the sky reimbursing his eyes to me every so often.

I stared at him, but could not return his sentence. My mouth dropped in disbelief. How did I ever get so gifted to have him?

I laid back down. Repeating the words every so often in my head. He did the same, just as he slipped a piece of paper in my coat pocket.

 

 

 

3 years later.

 

I threw my hands across my face, as the remorse all came flooding in. The daydreaming needed to stop. I regretted never looking at the note sooner. I could have stopped him from leaving. I could have had it all right now. Why are the things you want the most, always taken away from you?

Some things are too good to be true. People don’t like to realize this.

The same four words that changed my life forever, that come back to plague me every day in this same sitting spot when all my thoughts come flooding in resembling tsunamis. Lawrence was all I ever sought after, he was that guy that you would have anticipated an eternity for. His voice was one that was so calming, amorous, and protected. I felt as if losing him would have destroyed me. But it is not that he is gone that continues to destroy me, it’s the thoughts of having him that remain too. You see, the memories that continue to come back, have a reason too. There is a reason that they keep coming back. You either love that person, object, being or hate it. Usually its love. This is what I scuffled with. Everything I realized I strived to overlook, are the things that I wanted to attain the most. I hurt myself in this course of action.

I bounded in my chair as the deafening knock on my back door that transpires every Monday morning, roused me from my day dreams.

“Lawrence is never coming back”, I gritted underneath my breath to myself. I ran my hands over my face to un reveal the sorrow that flounced over me as I reminisced these memories. I don’t know why I keep tormenting myself.

I continually had to reminisce myself of this. I had sought so hard to just except what my life is now. My life was not the same without me and him together. He had been the one missing piece that had satisfied me, the one that I thought that I couldn’t live without. But I am. Roughly. I got up from my chair by the window, and gradually staggered to the door absently waiting for me. I turned to give one last look of the loneliness outside. Facing reality was almost crueler than my thoughts, and the miserable part of it all, is I must counterfeit a smile every day to just get by. As I grasped the door, I sneered and began to pull at my light pink cotton dress to make sure I looked reasonable. Work usually required me to look considerate at least. Working in a big city like Manhattan, you never get a break.

 

At the door was my awaited husband, John. He usually knew where to find me on days like these. He knew why I was always late for work. It had been happening for the last 3 years continuously. Yet, he never took the time to ever talk about it. He knew that whole dream was long gone, and that I must move on to my life that I have now.

He sauntered around me, like he had been reading my mind somehow. “Well well well, look what we have here”, he snarled as he made a continuous circle around me, focusing hard on my expressions. Then he stopped. “Darling, I mean you just look splendid today, I mean you do most of the time, but today. I’m surprised.” He stopped and kept one hand on the doorknob, waiting to leave after i gave him one of my many excuses.

Suddenly, something came out, as a tear was caught, trying not to escape from my ice cold face. I rambled in my head but could not manage to spit out words that made sense, but soon it did.  “I’m so sorry, I mean I have been caught up with so much work, and I mean it. I never mean to be late and you know that.” “You know I don’t.”

His hand had soon raised from the doorknob, as he raised his fingers to grasp his chin. I have been waiting for hours for you to arrive, but you haven’t”…he pushed me aside and stood in the doorway while decoying his flamboyant white smile at, me trying to hide the anger that was decadent behind it.

I was almost frightened. He was used to approaching my door before work, I had been late so many times it seemed almost normal for him now. Being my new lover was never easy you see; also let me add my manager. I had failed him. But only for reasons that I can understand.

“I thought since you have been late for work for the past hour I would check on you” ….He gave a look of disapproval and turned away so he didn’t have to look me in the eyes. His face was reflecting off of the glass plated door. The look of anger, the look of disgust.

Like always, i had to find something to hide the reason I was really gone, anything would do. “Err…Thank you I just was going to umm grab my things now to leave” I said embarrassed as I turned around, away from his eyes. I bit my lip and tugged at my hair. “I have been caught up on important stuff all morning.” I shuffled and turned around, grasping my dress.

“All morning… what can be more important than appearing at work this morning?” “This movie is going to be the best thing of this whole decade and if you just can’t except that we are going to have an issue, do you understand? I can’t stand these little fits you are giving me. I need work from you. His eyebrows rose as you could see the fury in his eyes. “That was the deal in the first place, right?” “It will always be the deal, and if you want to play these silly mind games with me, you can cut the crap right now you hear me.” He leaned closer.

“Right….I’m sorry, I really am. I need to get ready to go, please leave me be, I will be ready in a couple minutes.”

“Stop leaving me waiting and I wouldn’t have to do it.” A little chuckle extended from as lips as he raised a cigarette to light it. Smoke flooded the room, and black smoke took over the humble feel to the room.

He was giving me a look of utter disgust as I sauntered away from him. His eyes were like daggers in my back. I could feel it in my presence how distraught he was with me. He wanted me to finally let the past go. Letting things go were the hardest thing about me, I never could. I rushed away, I was a mess and he knew it. I gathered my things. I snuck the crinkled note into my pocket like usual. The note was a secret, and if he saw this it would destroy everything. This note was the only thing that kept me holding on to a dream. I dream that I wanted to come true. Dreams that never seemed to come true in my life.

I turned back around him to find his scoping me, leaning against the wall just releasing enough pressure to release his cigarette from his quaking lips.

“We shall be expecting you any time, give me a kiss before I go?” “You know I hate showing public affection in front of everyone else on set.”

I stuttered as a big gulp returned slowly to my stomach,“Sure.”

He held out his hand and pulled me closer to his beating chest, and span me around. He quickly removed the smoking cigarette from his mouth. I returned to his eyes and tried so hard to keep the tears in. He snickered and laid his callous palms throughout my face, and tugged me in nearer for a kiss. He was lovely, yet displeasing at the same time.

Lovely, yet cold.

I shut the door behind him as I caught a glimpse of him getting into his car so gracefully. I was wrong. There was something more then I hated missing the past, it was the fact I had to lie to him every single day of my presence.

But I had to. I didn’t love him, and I never would.

Good thing I’m a professional actress in New York.

I walked across the room to shut of the Elvis Presley record that had been playing pleasantly yet inaudibly all morning, and picked up my glass to set in the sink. I grabbed the keys, and barred the door behind me. I fumbled in my pocket the feel the warmth of the note and turned around. But before the door could close, I saw more leaves fall from the trees moving from side to side. Another tear had been shed that morning.