The day my world stood still.

 

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall.”- Confucius

Unlike many other pieces that I have published for my blog, this one took more than a week to process. As a writer, I am very grateful that I have a way of putting many of the vast thoughts that cross my mind, into something good for myself and others. Although, it is truly breaking my heart every time I re-visit this day In my mind.  But on the other hand, this has made me grow into an even stronger person altogether. The statement, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, remains true in my current circumstance.

It was a normal Sunday morning, as I awoke the morning of my car accident. I sat down in the morning and did my regular routine of jamming to current Taylor swift, applying my makeup, and strutting around in my romper and heels. I was heading into town for an innocent trip to the mall, getting lunch, and enjoying a day to myself.  As I gathered my purse and other miscellaneous items, I kissed my mom and told her I loved her as I walked out the door. As she would say to me every day after this incident took place, she had felt in the deep core of her gut that something horrific was to occur that day. Instead, she let me go, thinking that her motherly instincts were just flaring because this was my first trip driving alone. Little did I know, a mother is never wrong. Strangely enough, she had been right about what was to happen that day.

My drive to the mall had gone very smoothly, and I had felt very confident In myself. I enjoyed my day as I walked around the mall, grabbed food, and some new clothes that were (and still are thank god ) going to be used for my senior photos.  On my way back home, I felt as if my day had gone spectacular. I felt as if I had accomplished something very big in my eyes, seeming this was my first time driving alone in a moderately busy city.  Soon enough, my day was turned upside down. As I experienced the worst day of my entire life. All alone.

As I turned onto a busy highway, my wandering mind soon got me into a predicament that I always told people was my worst nightmare. Although I would not like to get into specific details, the last thing I remember was pulling off on the side of the road, on one of the most booming highways in Michigan. The next thing I know, I was siting in a ditch. I look down and see glass shatters surrounding my passenger seat, my windshield completely shattered, and my driver side door completely touching me. I look into the mirror that sat above me, and watched blood run down my cheek. I then realize, my  brand new car that I had not even had for more than a month, was destroyed before my very eyes. I was so confused in that moment, as I tried to recuperate myself. The next thing I know, a man has walked over and is tapping on my window that is destroyed as well, and asks me if I am okay. I reply with, “Yes I am okay.” After that much impact, I am very surprised that I had given the lovely couple that had hit me, both of my parents numbers from the back of my mind. After their phone call to my parents, they had helped me stumble out of my car. I remember everybody looking at me in shock and disbelief. I had just survived not only the accident, but with almost no scratches to my exposed body. No broken bones, a couple small bruises, and a mark from my seatbelt was all that was left on me after the impact. As I reflected in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, I didn’t know how I could be so lucky. To this day, I still can’t put my finger quite on it.

As my romper is being cut into shreds, heels are taken off my feet, doctors shining lights into my eyes, and of course the endless questions that come along with a patient that has just been through this trauma; millions of thoughts continued to go through my mind. I held back my tears that wanted to go streaming down my face, and instead focused on the good things that had graced me that day. I was okay, and that will always be the most important part of this. This means that my wonderful parents, my boyfriend, my siblings, and my family and friends would not have to deal with the burden of losing me. Suddenly, my mind began to wander even more. The most prominent thought continues to be, it really is true; your life can be taken from you at any moment.  The emotions came flooding in as they released me thirty minutes later. The ride home from the hospital, I reevaluated my entire life. This is the greatest way I can place my thoughts and apprehensions into words.

This life we  are  given is never promised to us.  Your life can be taken any day, and at any moment. Before my accident, there were countless family  members and friends that I didn’t have a close to perfect relationship with, due to the fact that people are quite frankly, not remembering this concept. I had stopped talking to one of my best friends, about a month prior. I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my parents, or even my siblings at that. After this, I realized that I would’ve had to live with that burden, and they would’ve had to as well. Do not hold stupid grudges, it is never worth it. Repair your relationships and friendships as much as you can. Always tell your loved ones how much you care about them, and your true genuine feelings. I cannot stress this enough. On the other hand, appreciate everything life has to offer you. After this day, I learned to appreciate the little things in life so much more. I had begun to realize all the things I have in life I should be grateful for. I have so many great people, things, and an amazing future to continue to work towards. I have reached for my goals even more, continued to write more, and broaden my horizons in every aspect. I have not only learned to live a whole new life, but also spread my teachings to others.

I now rise early every morning, smiling. I am smiling because I know I was given another chance to live life. I continue to surround myself with my loved ones, and I cherish the thought of getting to spend the rest of my life repairing, and blossoming different aspects of my life. I get to continue to listen to the beloved Taylor swift as I do my makeup, watch my favorite movies, eat my favorite foods, learn new things, travel more, and of course learn and grow in my own personal ways. They might sound like little things to you, but I am forever grateful for everything in life that as made me who and what I am. I got a chance to live a brand new life, and I will never let that go for the world.

Why I am a Feminist in the 21st century (First article)

After the many vast obstacles that women have faced throughout the years, I have abruptly decided to speak on the behalf of myself and others. As I have matured and blossomed as a woman, I have discovered  daily predicaments in the world today. For as long as I could  remember, women have been fighting for political, sexual, economic, and personal equality to men. I, along with many other women, do not feel as if this situation is fair by any means, At only sixteen, there is so much sexual worriment that I face as I begin my journey as an adult.
I would like to reach the point where I can adventure  into any situation, in an outfit I feel gorgeous in, and not feel like I am being looked at like a sexual object. I would like to walk home from a bar late at night, and not be frightened to encounter a man or another woman, who will take advantage of me because I am vulnerable. I would like to feel comfortable on a college campus, and not constantly worry that I will be drugged, or worst of all, raped. I would like to let loose and not let things become bothersome to me, but I feel like  I am constantly letting my mind wander to every single possibility.
I would like to have friends of the opposite sex, who will not pressure me to engage in sexual activities with them. If I clearly didn’t ask for it, I don’t want to be informed that I was. I wish that all of these movements could be easily resolved. But, the more I sit and contemplate, I have realized that these problems will always be apparent. The more I try and avoid these situations from occurring, the more they appear in the times you would never see them advancing . The precautions cannot be taken correctly, because it’s in times where we shouldn’t feel the way that we do.
The more I try and remember  specific instances, the blurrier these instances  become. We almost force ourselves to forget that things like this continue to occur in daily life.
The first incident occurred at fifteen. I remember I was with a guy whom I felt I very much admired by, but there were times I clearly did not asked to be touched and showered with kisses. Being an adolescent, I didn’t exactly know how to feel when I was being pinned down and forced to make out with my significant other. I faintly remember myself repeating the word “no”, but with some people, that word doesn’t hold any significance. I can recall that same scenario repeating itself more than 3 times. After this person and I ended it completely with one another, he continued to touch me. He would grab my butt while everyone else was watching.  I was embarrassed, I was frightened. He would treat this like it was some game. He would laugh with his other guy friends. not even putting into consideration the constant violation I felt every time he did this. At countless get togethers with other friends, he would run his fingers up my legs, until he reached areas that shouldn’t be crossed. He would see how far I would let him get. I would push him off of me, only for him to come back and do it again. I didn’t ask to be touched. I didn’t ask to be kissed, even if was with him at the time. I didn’t ask to be grasped. Yet, he continued to think it was a test. To see how far he could get until I told him to stop.
Little did he know, I cried myself to sleep every time this happened. I felt like I was treated like an object, and not like the prized possession that I was. I am a woman, I am not an object. I am confident, I am beautiful, and I am important. My body is mine, and my boundaries should not be crossed without consent. Why did my claim over my body, not mean anything?
I am now  almost seventeen. I have been in two abusive relationships.  I still have other obstacles that I’ve faced daily as a woman. On multiple occasions, I have been whistled at, belittled, mocked for wearing certain revealing things, and more. I have also struggled to sustain relationships with significant others because of our differences. I push to be accepted for all of me.  When most of the time, I am treated as if there is no brain connected to my glorious body. I strive to become my true self daily, and to not these situations affect the way I think, feel, and react. I know deep down, 2 years later, that I am more than the predicaments that I have been in.
I hope for the day that I can be seen as more than just a body, who makes decisions regarding so.
I am still continuing to expand my horizons as a female daily. Each and every day, I feel even more confident in myself than before. I will never let the whistling of men define me. I will not let my past instances define my standards. I,  will not let the sexualized standards of society tell me what I can and cannot wear. I am young and radiant. I have the right  to wear whatever I feel comfortable in, and I hope I can inspire you to do the same. I will continue to roam free in this universe feeling safe. I will go out at night and fearlessly walk home alone.
As women, we cannot let our past scare us, as well as future situations that we are trying to avoid. We deserve to feel gorgeous and safe in our skin every single day. Do not be oppressed. Speak out and be brave for all of the women around the world who are dealing with the same exact instances as you are.

To the one, who completes me.

There comes a day where you decide to slowly move on. You let the people of the past whom you’ve loved,  reconcile in your dreams. They slowly disappear from your life, leaving you with not a single soul but yourself. You soon venture out into the universe, in search of somebody that makes your life light up the way you have never discovered before.

This timeline for me, was months upon months. I was in desperate of somebody to pay me the love I thought I deserved. Of course as stubborn as I come off, that person never seemed to appear in the moments that I was most desperate. I was in need of somebody that would explore my soul, not my body. I wanted to be loved. Truly, loved. I wanted somebody that found the night sky in my eyes. Somebody that would take their personal time, to figure out my quirks that make up me as a person. Somebody to discuss my abstract thoughts as I lay awake at 3 a.m. I craved somebody that was adventurous, and would coincide with me across the world if I had asked.

The higher your standards become the harder it becomes to fill the deep void in your heart as the thought of it still lingers. The longer I waited, the longer I realized the person that I was seeking out to find; would take time and patience.

The person whom you are seeking- will come with time. I know, because I found that person.

You will find the one who will stay up until 3 a.m,  just to make sure your smile is not lost within your dismantled thoughts and wonders. You will start to realize that upon the arrival of your significant other- was the time that you took to fix your bullet wounds that were shot into your heart. This is not done by any lover, but within your own mind, body, and soul.

This person wont have to fix you, but instead complement your beautiful mess of a human being. They will accept your flaws and love you for the personality and exterior traits that make up the most gorgeous version of yourself. You will start to see that all of the built up mistakes of your past that lead you straight down your path, happened in such delicate way so they could find you at the right time. They would drive hours to just bring that sparkle into your eyes that could light up the night sky.

They will learn that you only drink your coffee with two creamers and two sugars. They will adorably sing all of your cherished favorite songs.  They will take all of your flaws into consideration. Trust me, they will put them all aside just to be with you. Suddenly, all of the movies you spent watching alone, will be joined with somebody who cares deeply about the things that makes you happy. They will cherish everything that makes you the person you are.

This person only comes once in a lifetime. Don’t lose them. You see, many people face the consequence of starting over with love many different times in their life. But, this one wont be like any other person you have ever encountered. They will grace your life with such a presence that it will send the flames in your heart racing; as they fix up all the bullet wounds that destroyed your former self.

That’s what he did for me.

The storms that surpassed me in memories, were now beautiful turquoise sky’s. I didn’t hurt anymore. The roses that embellished my heart and soul, dead and diminished; were now the most gorgeous garden I have ever seen. Bright and alluring, surrounding every aspect in my life. He gave me life again. A life that I want to live forever.

Now, I want to cherish every passing second with him. Even though we live completely separate lives, with different realities, we have found time to collide within our passing hours. I find myself getting lost every time we are together. Lost in the thought of what we are. Lost in the thought, of what we will be.

Will we always be together?

Only time can tell. But, I wouldn’t want it to be any other way then discovering life with him.

You see, I have never enjoyed somebody’s company so much. We talk as if we haven’t run out of subjects. He makes me laugh. He makes me forget about every wondering thought that keeps me up in the dark hours of the night. We now share coffee every Saturday and ponder about deep thoughts: our thoughts on politics, religion, and much more. The more I picked apart his brain, the more I realized he was one of a kind.

Even the most innocent activities, have a special importance to them. Our souls matched up as if they were made to collide at the exact moment that did. The moment we both needed each other the most. I never want this feeling to end. A void in my heart is filled with such love, a love that is real. I will continue to get lost in the galaxies I found in his eyes.

I will, because he completes me.

 

 

 

 

To the one who didn’t love me enough to stay.

I told you that I didn’t care the day you ended it between us. I told everybody else that I didn’t let you phase me. I thought this enchanting feeling that overwhelmed me every time we were together was something that could easily be replaced with an acquaintance who would give me proper admiration. The more I tried forgetting the memories we compiled, the more I realized you never left my mind. I realized the more I convinced everybody I had forgotten, I found the person I was supposed to hate, accumulating every space of my existence. That was when I realized that we, as people, talk about the things we hate the most. We don’t realize that we are doing it. In the end, the things that we hate the most  are the things we care most about. The things we let destroy us at three in the morning while we toss and turn in our wits, and wonder why we weren’t enough, are the things that intellectually have control over us.

As spring turned to summer, and summer turned to fall, I found myself outside watching the crisp autumn leaves fall and I sat and wondered why I wasn’t enough. I played back the first time your smile encountered mine. Did you find someone with a more stunning smile than mine?  Did I say something wrong when the first words escaped my mouth? I pictured the outfit I was wearing. I remembered the way I radiated, as my confidence beamed from my smile. I was always told my smile could light up an entire room. But, why couldn’t I light up yours? The more and more I pondered each question, the more I realized  no response amounted from them. The question that hurt me the most, was why you left me with the burden of figuring out these accusations. The truth was, you didn’t care if I did or not. You left with the intentions of leaving me, wondering why I wasn’t enough. As the fall leaves slowly disappeared, I found myself watching the snow flakes fall as they assembled perfectly in my vision. I realized every time I saw a new season, that you hadn’t gone away as time continued on. Time was redeemed as frozen in my mind, yet the world carried on. I look over at the television that played my favorite movies, the ones you said you didn’t care enough to watch with me. Not long after, my room begins to flood with my favorite songs; The ones you would turn off to instead play yours. Why were my interests never enough for you? That grin of yours was enough for me to forget the most important things that accompanied my own mind. Instead, I believed you. I loved you enough to replace your likings with mine. Soon enough, we watched your favorite films, and my music was replaced with yours. As time went on, my calls and texts were ignored and I should have realized you had intentions of leaving me the way you did all along.

I remembered all of the fun times we had together. Did you think about them the same way that I did? As days turned into months and months turned into years, the same questions seemed to repeat themselves. Those questions remain with still no response. I flash back to the deep conversations we shared as we discussed our pasts over dinner. I thought of all the times I went out of my way to see your eyes light up the way I once saw them. Yet, you never did the same for me. The more I found myself in thought, a new season passed and I watched the leaves drift across the firm grass. Here was another year that left me wondering what I could have done to save us. I began to dwell on the past we once had. The older I became, the wiser my thoughts became. I found myself discussing you over dinner with my family  and they told me to just forget about the lovely times we once shared. The difference between me and you, was I couldn’t seem to forget about you the way you did me. It crushed me knowing I left the person who mattered to me the most and it left me searching for a conclusion. I was left wondering why I couldn’t satisfy the needs that you desired. It seems that was always the difference between you and me.

I found myself the following year bringing you up to mutual friends, and I could never bring myself to wish bad upon you. I knew that I was respected enough as a person to not ruin things over your cruel behaviors. But, I still wonder was it cruelty or just that you were inconsiderate.  As time continued on, it didn’t seem to matter. You had long forgotten the experiences we shared together. That smile of mine that “lit up everybody’s room”, didn’t seem to have the same magical effect on you, just as it didn’t  the previous three years. Maybe thinking  I could change us back to how we were before was just silly.  It seemed as if you found the same characteristics  you loved in me in other people. Despite the memories we created, you seemed to find pleasantry in  sharing those same things with anyone other than myself.  To this day, I would never think anything but good thoughts when your name is brought up mutually or on accident. I know at some points, I found myself defending you for your wrongs and occasionally drifting into further conversation, because I missed you.  That was the moment I knew, I could’ve never left you the way you left me.

Sadness overcomes me less and less, but the feeling you left me with lingers. I still think about you when one of the songs  you once adored comes on. I find myself asking people how you are. I find myself worrying about you, when I know it isn’t my job anymore. I wish the best for you in any further relationship  you decide to venture into. I hope that  one day you find the love  you decided couldn’t be discovered in me in somebody else. More and more, I find myself thinking these things because I hope you don’t leave them the way you left me.

Wondering why they weren’t enough for you.

 

 

16 things I learned in 16 years.

Sixteen. It’s been a beautiful, indescribable, and eventful year. On the other hand, it’s opened my eyes to the strenuous obstacles of growing older, and overcoming emotional and physical barriers  that I have faced, as well as many others. Seventeen will be right around the corner, and I will grow older. With growing older, comes harder decisions, and wiser choices in the path I decide to strive for. As for this, I am glad for the knowledge I obtained throughout this year of my life. Here is sixteen things, I learned at the age of sixteen.

People will come and go. 

At this prime of an age, people will always be in and out of your life. That boy that claimed to be in love with you, will move on to another  girl. Those friends that you made freshman year, may or may not still be by your side. But the most important part, is to accept that people will be this way your whole life. As we all move forward in life, we all have different goals and ambitions. New friends and relationships are right around the corner. Don’t get to caught up on things that may be temporary to begin with. Trust the magic of new beginnings.

Document everything that you can. 

As we all grow up living in this world of social media, it is very easy to have every single moment of our lives documented for the good and the ugly. I think documentation is such a amazing thing. One day to to look back and remember what certain days were like, the places you traveled to, and most importantly that people that you did those things with. So take pictures of everything and post that thought on your mind. One day looking back, you will see the growth you have accomplished throughout the years.

Travel as much as you can. 

This year, I got another chance to travel to California. But I think there is a much deeper meaning to traveling, then just seeing another place. You for once, get to have the weight of home lightened off your shoulders. I think for teenagers that is so important. We are all so focused on school, friends, work, and responsibilities. For once, it feels so relieving to take a break and get that burden off your shoulders for the most part. So travel as much as you can. See new sights, try new foods, take pictures, and make memories. Those things will all come with time, and I learned don’t always have to be rushed.


Don’t be afraid to be yourself. 

This year, I left public schools and decided to try online schooling. This taught me many things within itself. As we attend public school, most teenagers want to try and fit in with everybody as much as possible, it makes the experience a little bit easier, right? Of course, me being the person that I am, couldn’t do this. I learned so many things about myself this year socially, mentally, politically, etc. In the grand scheme of things, it won’t be worth it trying to fit in. Stand out. Be different. We all have that spark in us that wishes to fit in, but not fitting in is even more ravishing.


Test scores are not the end of the world. 

Going throughout high school, we are expected to have to preform well on all tests, assignments, and retain that information at the same time. But the honest truth is, sometimes we just can’t do that. We are humans, not robots. We all have off days. A bad test score does not reflect you has a person. Do not beat yourself up about it. We have plenty of time to fix our mistakes.

Change your style. 

This year was the first year I even touched hair dye, and it felt great. Of course I didn’t go for much of a change, but it’s a start. I realized my style always continues to change every year I grow, and I hope it always is that way. I think embracing change is something we all should learn to do.  So dye and cut your hair, change your style, try new makeup, and expand your horizons.


The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. 

This was a big lesson for me this year. As I was thrown back and forth between my fathers and mothers house, I have realized that staying put, was probably the best decision for me. If you’re anything like me, you don’t like to stay in one place for too long. In the end, I’m glad for the choices and decisions I acted on, because that brought me to right now. But the grass isn’t always greener, and situations may not work out the way you wish they did. I learned to always work out all issues, instead of continually running away from them.


Give yourself a break. 

This year I was plugging away at school, work, travel, and more while all trying to not have a mental breakdown. (Yes, constant work will do that to you). So just sit and breathe. Take one night to just relax and watch a movie, get deep into thought in a novel, or even a relaxing nap. At the age, it is constant going, and if you are as hard on yourself as I am, you know it’s hard to slip in breaks once in a while. I’m here to say it’s okay to do so. Give your mind and body a rest.


Try new foods. 

As you get older, you obviously have figured out what things you like, and don’t like. But this isn’t always true. (Imagining me, complaining about how much I don’t like sushi, and now it’s like my favorite food 😂) My point is, we are so quick to judge certain things, but we discover new things about ourselves every day. Broaden your horizons and you will be surprised on things you start to like as you get older.


A first job, isn’t going to be fun. At all. 

My first experience of work took place this year. Trust me, it’s not fun, but on the other hand it’s so enjoyable to make your own money. Also, it’s a huge experience. You get to see the the good, the bad and the ugly ( yes by the ugly I mean those costumers that find joy in spending their day yelling at 16 year olds) but in the end, I woundnt have it any other way. You have to start somewhere. P.S seventeen, bring me more job opportunities! 😊


Mend all broken relationships. 

We are constantly spewing words out of our mouth as teenagers, and sometimes we don’t mean the things we say. Our hormones tend to be going insane half the time. Words, tend to alter our relationships with friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends etc. I learned this the hard way. I have loved and I’ve lost this year. But one thing I learned, is to recover all relationips we can. This could be our last day with a person. I learned to forgive and forget. Before I say things, I sit and contemplate how this will hurt the other person, and if what I’m saying was necessary or right. Sometimes sleeping on something before we react, stops us from saying something in the heat of the moment out of frustration and anger.


Stand up for what you believe in. I think this picture says it all. This was my first experience going to a protest. Let’s just say I was one of the youngest people I saw as I looked around,  and I was pretty proud of that. In all this hurt and division that we have faced as a whole this year, I have decided to do anything I can to contribute to this movement. I hope to inspire people to do the same thing. Do not go with the flow. You have every right to have a opinion in everything. Your opinion is valid, and is deserved to be heard. People like us, will change the world.

If something makes you happy, do it. 


This was one of the bravest things I did all year. I wanted it for myself, and it was very important to me. That is what my tattoo means as well, that anything in life I want, I will get it. I believe in myself. No, everybody won’t agree with the things you do, and trust me, I got crap for this tattoo. But in the end, if something makes you happy, then by all means do it. At the end of the day it’s yourself that you need to come to peace with, and if something contributes to that, I encourage it all the way.

Take yourself out of every situation that hurts you. 

Among the many encounters we have daily and relationships we mend as we get older, toxic places and relationships we have placed ourselfs in is a daily occurrence. As we get older, we discover the things that continually hurt us, and the things that don’t. Break the cycle. If you know something isn’t good for you, stop letting it hurt you or affect you. Protect yourself, and wait until it is okay to re enter the situation. Sometimes that day will never come, but we can all hope for positivity in all situations. This one goes hand in a hand with mending relationships, but in some cases, mending them may take time and patience.


Eat that burger. 
As teenagers, we tend to have trouble with circulating thoughts about self image, insecurities we think we have, insecurities we are told we have, and the constant thought of the way we should look and the way are content looking. I’m here to say that I am happy being 140 pounds, and happy with my weight. Being slim is okay, but being curvy is more than okay. We are taught that the girls in the magazines are airbrushed to perfection, do not carry any extra weight, and have long slim legs. But I never strived to look any other way then what I do now. So eat that burger, because beauty holds no number.

It’s okay to have a different plan. 
As we come to the conclusion that in 2 years we will officially be a adult, that comes many with many future decisions. We have to decide if college will be in the cards for us, what jobs we will uphold, what job we want for the rest of our lives after college, where we will stay in the meantime, and where are hearts long to be. As for me and all my friends, I have the craziest future plan. No it’s not what everybody does, no it’s not going to easy, but it’s possible. There is nothing in life that isn’t possible. So that “different” life plan that you decide to venture on, whatever that may be, will work out. I promise that it will.


7 ways old souls live differently.

In many ways, I have discovered how old my soul really is. This can be quite difficult, living in a world like we do today. What exactly is a old soul? An old soul is somebody that feels as if they are not in place with today’s society, but more with one that was in the past. A soul that has lived through many many vast decades. I have realized being a old soul, is actually a really important thing in today’s society. We think deeper, explore more, and help find a deeper meaning to life. We also, tend to live life pretty simply. Here are 7 ways that old souls live differently in the 21st century.

We are often know as the “Mothers” of the group.

If you are anything like me,  you have been addressed this status of the group more then once. You prefer to be the one looking out for everybody else, and you find joy in this as well. You prefer to stay home most of the time, and find joy reading a good book, and being alone. You usually would take this over hanging out with a big group of people, going to a party, and taking part in decisions like partying, drinking etc. You never really went through the “partying phase.” You are usually the one who is not constantly found hooking up with new guys, but watches from afar as many of your friends do. You are often mistaken for being 10 years older then you actually are, just because of the way you think and perceive things.

We would rather listen and watch music and movies  from the 70’s

Old souls, can stand the music and movies from the 21st century, but would much rather explore older forms of it. We would much rather watch classic movies, then watch movies that display no meaning.  We wonder why people get so hyped over movies, that literally have no meaning.  We would rater listen to The Rolling Stones, Elvis, Elton john, and Billy Joel over Rhianna and Katy Perry. We like to find meaning and sense in everything that we do, and these music and movies are not cutting it.

We hate small talk. 

If you are anything like me, you know how hard it is to find a boy or girl for that matter, that you can talk to on a daily basis. This is because you crave more then the “Whats up” and “I’m bored” comments that you receive daily, when trying to have a formal conversation. As old souls, we want to know, how do you think the universe was created? type of talk ha-ha. This is usually why we don’t have much friends. We want somebody that is going to be more then small talk. We crave to know  more about the world, and what is going on  in other peoples minds.

We are bad at relationships.

As old souls, we are looking for somebody that isn’t drowning in today’s media, but prefers a more old school way of having a relationship. We don’t want to have to constantly post about you, or like your Facebook posts. We would much rather keep our relationship much more private, and only portray a little bit of it on social media. We are also looking for somebody that is just as adventurous as us. One that will always be there at our beck and call, ready to explore more of the world, try new things, explore meaning in life, and  meaning to ourselves as people. This is usually why we find it difficult to find a relationship like this in the 21st century. We tend to turn away many boys/girls because of this problem of ours.

We are fascinated with a certain time era, and are convinced you were born in the wrong era. 

I am utterly convinced I was alive  in the 50’s, or a time around then. As old souls, we tend to be very connected to a certain era, as if we have lived it all before. This is usually presented to you, in forms of books, people, music, pictures, and places, that you are very connected to. I always have been fascinated with the way people lived, the music, and the feel of the world during that time period. Old souls, are convinced, they are like this because they have lived once before in that time era, and reincarnated to live again now.

You are often the source of advice for your friends

As old souls, we are told we are very wise for our age. It is almost like we have lived lots of times, and gained knowledge that is present in us now. We are usually the ones that our friends will come to when they are in need of advice with love, life, career wise etc. We love to help others, and guide them onto the right path when they are lost. Old souls often contemplate the meaning of life, which is why they know so much about it.

No mater what, you feel as if you don’t fit in with people your age. 

As a teenager we are supposed to be playing sports, hanging out with friends, and be constantly  on the move. For me, I was never drawn to it, or at least not as I got older. I enjoyed playing sports, and being a teenager, but in an old souls head, you are constantly pulling between what you SHOULD be and who you really are. This is who I knew I should be, but was it who I really was? Some start to feel this way  as you become a young adult, college and partying doesn’t really appeal to you at all. You would much rather prefer to be with people much older then you. Old souls are always on the move for more knowledge, a greater meaning of life, and they receive this from people that have lived it yet again in this life.

The power of energy within us.

The moment I realized this easy, but vast concept, I was kind of in awe. The effect of collecting others energy, is something that will be surrounding you for the rest of your life. Understanding this, resolved everything for me. I found the root of the cause, the explanation of why my energy level was down in the dumps for months. When I comprehended the reason, I started thinking very profoundly about this concept. We, as humans, pick up on contagious energy, which is not always the finest for us, especially if it is affecting us negatively. What do I mean by this you ask? People give off energy. No matter if it sadness, happiness, or any other emotion, we seem to pick up on the energy that we border ourselves with daily. I started to realize this, when I started feeling drained. Drained physically, emotionally, and mentally, because I seemed to pick up on everybody’s else’s energy, that was triggering me to feel the same way. I was in a household, that was not very supportive to my views, and future lifestyle. Also, at a school that wasn’t  very accepting as well. I started picking up anger, resent, and sadness from the others around me. Because this energy surrounded me daily, and as humans we observe our surroundings, it can take a toll on our state of mind, body, and personal health. I never felt like I could catch up. I was always a step behind myself. Even though I felt self- assured in myself, who I was meant to be, and my future, my emotions seemed to skyrocket all over the place. When somebody is angry, we become angry. When somebody is sad, we automatically become said. When somebody is constantly happy, we always seem happy around them. Easy, right? Well then why do we choose to surround ourselves with beings that tend to bring the worst out of us?

That is when I made the change. The change that could change who you are, eternally. Surrounding yourself with people that bring the greatest out of you, and feed towards your energy, not take it away. Somebody that is constantly sad, with themselves, or their life, is going to rub off on you. You will begin to see this transforming you, into a sad person, even when their situation has nothing to do with yours. I began to make the change of finding people that complemented my energy, or that builds me up with happy energy, and suddenly I felt a change in myself. I have found new support and love, that I feel daily now. There are many different types of people that will lower your energy, and here are just a few.

 

  • Somebody that is sad with their life, their body image, their money, or their looks, is somebody that you need to look out for. Yes of course, everybody gets down in the dumps on certain days, but if it is an ongoing constant struggle with this person, and they don’t receive help, you will soon start to feel the same exact way as them. You will start to pick up on this negative energy they are surrounding themselves with daily, and you will soon start to feel down with these categories as well.

 

  • Somebody that constantly needs reassurance in their life, and mentally, physically, and emotionally drains us to receive that.
  • Somebody that constantly tells you, you are the problem in a friendship, relationship, etc.

 

  • Somebody that limits the way they think, believe, and interpret things in life, will begin to make you very close minded, and open to receiving negative energy.

 

  • Somebody that has continuous drama, and is always in search of it, will mentally drain you. Having a full plate, always, is very stressful. When you have somebody that needs to have it repeatedly, it will take its toll on you as well. When you let, yourself be a part of this person’s life, you won’t ever catch a break. Having constant drama is very dangerous for a person, and stress and anxiety will start to flourish from this. Surround yourself with people that don’t have a constant need to have something happen in their lives, and peace and happiness will find its way to you again.

 

  • Somebody that is always angry, for no apparent reason, is one of the most dangerous situations. This person could be a coworker, a friend, or maybe even a significant other to you. No matter the situation, you will feel anger as well. Verbal abuse, and physical abuse, are usually the sprouts of the type of anger. When you start to feel the same way as the person surrounding you, it will cause you to find a way to solve this, usually accounting into you fighting back with the same power. The only way to not pick up on this constant anger, is to of course leave the situation. Anger is something that is very easily transferred from one person to another, and soon enough, you will be an angry person, just like the people you are around. Our mental, physically, and emotional health should come before anybody’s else’s, and you should not let other people change it, of course only in a positive and uplifting way.
  • One that fears the future, doesn’t take risks, and is afraid of certain outcomes, may rub off on you.  

 

  • One that takes advantage of your love, your kindness, and your friendship.  

 

  • One that abuses drugs, alcohol, etc. To feel a certain way, and is convinced they can’t survive without having it. 

 

      *  One that is negative in general, is an issue waiting to happen. One that doesn’t support your way of life, your future, your beliefs, and your morals, can be a major issue. When we feel doubt in ourselves, it is usually because somebody else has told us we can’t do something, or we can’t be somebody. These types of people suck out our positive energy, and fill you with their negative. This may because you are vulnerable, and they take advantage of you. Or maybe because you are easily manipulated. Either way, we start to pay attention, and soon enough, we start to no longer believe in our self’s, and all that we are. We must realize these people that are doing this to us, and until they change, hey don’t deserve to have you in their life. We need people around us to build out energy up, not tear it down. 

These are just some people, that are in our lives. When I looked through this list, there was several different people I thought of, for each category. I don’t surround myself with those people anymore. I began to have space within myself, after all this negative energy from others was cleared out. Then, I became me again. The one that radiates positive energy, as much as I can. The person inside me that looks to help, and inspire others. The side of me I want everybody to see. The people that we choose to be in our lives, is always going to affect us. Please look at this list, and take this tool into consideration, if you are feeling drained yourself. Surround yourself daily with people that bring you the positive emotions that make life beautiful, and you will see a change in you.

xoxo, Isabella

First chapter: “The stars I saw in him.” (Romance novel) 

 

 


 

 

1954

 

Present day

 

It was fall time in New York, where it all began. My days starts like usual. As I awake, I toss my comforter off my icy, delicate, body. My eyes flutter as I sit up and heave my hair away from my face. As my feet grasp the floor, I walk over to my glass sliders that reveal the most gorgeous view known to man. Or I guess, in my outlook.

The fall time in New York City, was so enchanting. A small compliance of leaves accompanies the crisp dull air, just to tie off the soundless awakening of the metropolitan each morning. I got to watch the whole world awake, it was very fascinating to me. There is something about watching the world when your lonely. You watch couples, as they stroll by displaying their affection for another as they observe the city. Then, you see those people that are contemplating. They are not sure, what to do in this huge world. They are looking. You can tell they are doing this because there is an enthusiasm in their eye, that needs to be satisfied. Either they are looking to find themselves in the city, or for someone else to find them. They are usually walking with their heads downcast, or with the chatter accompanying them as they walk the park silently.

They are blocking out the world. They don’t want to be bothered. This is either because they have given up on the exquisite sights and sounds nature has provided for us, or just because they have not found what they are looking for yet.

I consider me of these many people that meander the city. I am still looking. I am looking for something that I have not found yet. It may be myself, it may be somebody else, it may be something. You see, I never was sure. I am looking for something, yet I don’t know what yet. This happens when everything you ever knew what was taken from you. I began to understand these people, who I always thought were pities to the universe.

My further escape, was watching the night sky after the city had cleared. It gives you guidance, it gives you hope, that maybe this vast world has a lot to offer, just when you begin to seek and look for it. For me, I saw stars in people. My star was always, Lawrence. When he vanished from my life, is just left me looking. Looking for a star, a star like him. Searching. Looking for guidance in this cynical world. I was never the same. I rely on the vast nature, searching people, and optimistically qualities of life to lead me to my next venture. Good things are supposed to come to you, right?

At that moment, I realized that people do not choose to be this way. Sometimes you get so damn lost in this fantasy of the world, it is hard to find yourself. You train yourself to rely on everybody else in this world, when at the end of the day the only one who can clean up the messes that surround yourself, is you. I realized why I was so vacant in that moment. I leave pieces of me behind in everything I loved, and everything I loved was gone. I was empty inside.

There was nothing left to my bitter, dismantled heart. Lawrence had left, with all the pieces of me that have never been resolved. Therefore, I continue to look around the city. I wait for something that may never come, or may. I wander. I wait for somebody to pick up my pieces, because I could never do it myself. My soul is perpetually damaged in this universe, making it hard for me to enjoy all the fascinating beauty around me like I once did. The beauty of the world ended up in the hands of another human, taking it with them as they left.

Yet the city carries on, throughout everyone’s madness, and throughout mine.

I closed to blinds, and turned my bright lit up room, into overcast darkness. My mind always seems to wander when I look out onto the park where Lawrence and I created most of the eventful nights that still trace my mind every day. Closing the blinds let me move on, just like I always needed to. I have moved on.

I approached my closet, and rummaged the various outfits. I had to be to work at the very early hour of 9 each morning. This keeps me from getting distracted from other things. I slipped my arms through my shirt, and found my preferred black skirt to accompany it. I slowly approached my face to the mirror in my room, to remove the rollers that had been wrapped in my hair all night, as they slowly fell, blonde ringlets surrounded my face. Next, I applied the essentials.

A little mascara, powder, and red lipstick was enough to hide any woman’s misery. There was something so wonderful about seeing the finished outcome of yourself each morning, before going out into the world. You get to see yourself for exactly who you want to be. I learned so much from this silly practice. I always obtained so much confidence each morning, to watch it all be crumbled to the ground by night. This is how it is being in the big business of film. One day your beauty doesn’t go un-noticed, next you get told to adjust yourself for not being the beauty’s standards. There was a never in-between in this business. What really is considered beauty, anyway? It fluctuates daily, just like the people. Just like the city.

This business never shows you the real side of anybody. With acting, you always see pieces of people, but it never is real. They do it for the fame, the attraction of being somebody in this world. As far as I was concerned, that’s the only reason I ever continued with it.

I craved to be somebody in this world, and whatever way I could attain it, I would. I was so lost within the blinding lights, and the gorgeous people, I had never questioned that I had lost myself in these lights. It’s destroying really. I choose to continue to lose myself in these characters, and in these costumes, and buried my problems within the people I pretended to be. That was the easiest way to solve my problems, or at least that is what I thought.

John, was the one that had led me into these perceiving lights. He was the man I met when I was lost, lonely, and diminished from the past. I was vulnerable, and he took advantage of me in the best possible way. The West café, was where we first met and explored each other’s acquaintance. I go early every single morning, read my daily book, sip my coffee, and watch the people as they wander the city to this day. This was my happy spot, where all my problems of the past vanished and got lost in the book I scan for each pretraining morning, it was my escape from my reality.

~

One morning in early July, I found myself broken, and wandering the city. It was a cool, and crisp day. I took the long route to town. I watched as the beautiful blue sky wrapped around me as if it was a blanket, and the day was young. The city was booming, as the world started to come alive. I wandered into the West café, looking for a distraction for the morning to keep my mind from reality. I took my familiar seat, which is a large open window, so I can observe the city. As my eyes rested upon my lengthy book, and sipped the charcoal colored coffee, a man suddenly appeared out of my prevision, and sat in the chair that was accompanied in front of me. Something about me told me to just get up and walk away, another part of me told me to stay. My blonde ringlets clung to my face as I looked up, and my eyes met his.

My eyes suddenly lowered in slight discomfort, as I shifted my hands away from my book slowly closing the crisp pages, “Can I help you?” I said fluttering my eyes, following his, as he slowly observed my facial features. Something strange encountered me at that very moment, wishing that I never had plunged into this situation that was presented upon me.

He chuckled, and quickly glanced outside the window, “You know, I see this beautiful woman sitting here every day, I just wanted to ask what brings you here at early hours every morning, is that so much for a man to ask?” He hung his coat on the chair, and scooted in while resting his face on his palm, silently focusing on me, then returning his eyes to the crowding street. He comfortably sat down, it was like we knew each other for years, meeting each other for coffee. It was like he was noticing the people that I noticed, the people that wander, looking for the next venture in life. How ironic. Somebody that actually pays attention to their surroundings as much as me.

I hadn’t got this very often. But something about it, made me smile. Something about the simplicity, that he encountered me with. “Just reading that’s all.” I replied scratching my nails on the rough surface of my book, returning a smile to his graceful approach.

“So, you can’t do this so called “reading” at your humble abode or any place else?”

“You caught me. Fine, I come here to escape reality. My happy place. I love to come here to sip my coffee, to see the sights, and the wandering people. Is that the answer you were looking for?”

“It quite frankly was better than your first”, He chuckled. “You see, I love to watch the wandering people just like you. The ones waiting on their life to change, waiting on love, waiting on the stars to guide them. And strangely, they guided me straight to you.”

“So, can I ask what brings you over to me?” I presented an absurd grin.

How silly to think he said the stars led him over to me. A thought was floating around my head to get up, but something about me couldn’t. He was quite charming, a guy you don’t see daily. A guy that was supposed to be here the same second that I was here, waiting to change my life.

He slowly removed his hands from his coffee cup that the barista had handed him, the sweet smell of vanilla filled the air, “I wanted to ask a request upon you.” he slowly replied clearing his throat. I have watched you, for a long time now. I come in here every day as well, not that you notice me, but you know, you’re an interesting young woman. Beautiful, glowing, quite honestly. I have never met somebody like you. You have glitter of hope in your eyes, and I want to offer you a deal I don’t believe you could pass up on. I don’t do this very often,” He raised his coffee and gulped loudly as he began to explain, But I would like to offer you an audition for my upcoming motion picture.”

He soon revealed a business card, after rummaging through his pockets.

There was a hope in his smile, that I would attain this request. Interesting, was one of the many words I could have used to describe his presence. He was enchanting, causing it to be hard to pass up anything he offered. I caught myself looking at him, exploring his dark brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and his abstract charm. I had never had this connection with any other man after Lawrence. I snapped out of the day dream, and soon gave him an explanation, for at first denying his orders.

“An upcoming movie?” I laughed hysterically.

“No, you cannot be serious, I am no actress, I believe you have the wrong girl. I grabbed my book and pushed in my chair to leave. “I think I’m going to leave.”

I grabbed my purse, and managed to attain a fake smile, letting him know I appreciated his broad offer.

“Thank you for the amazing idea, but I cannot take it, I’m sorry, I’m just not the girl you are looking for.”

But I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t walk away.

He lowered his coffee from his lips, “Whoa whoa whoa, no reason to get in a distraught mood. He motioned his hands for me to sit back down in my chair, and to keep people from looking over as he raised his voice. It was just a request that’s all. I’m sorry that I have approached you, I didn’t mean to disturb. If you want me to leave, I will. I will grab my stuff and go right now.”

His voice was stern and demanding, providing him with a different tone than when I first started this conversation with him.

“I didn’t just approach you for some dull odd reason that I was board and looking for fun, no, I see you wandering. I see you wandering every morning, because I watch you every morning before you enter this café. How ironic is it that we both are looking for the same thing, and you just found what you were looking for, and I found what I was looking for.”

I pushed the blonde ringlets away from my face and as rosy red cheeks were revealed to him,“No… I’m sorry I reacted that way, I just don’t want to waste your time that’s all, it’s just the girl you are looking for, isn’t me.”

“The thing is, you are exactly the girl I’m looking for, he placed his hand near mine, and waited to raise his coffee cup for another sip, like I said, I don’t do this often. I see something in you. Your patience, your beauty, everything about you, is attractive. Just please, come to the audition. I think it would be an amazing opportunity for a girl like you, take a chance on me.”

I pondered the request, looking out the window and running my hands in my hair revealing blonde curls that framed my face. What was the worst thing that could happen? Taking chances on new things was something I wanted to improve. I needed to regain this confidence within myself.

My hair fell into my face as I lowered my face it into my palms.

“You know what, fine. Fine. I’ll be there.”

White gleaming teeth, was accompanied with a smile, as he glared at me in amazement.

“That was the answer I was looking for.” He winked as he rose his coffee to take another small sip as the steam released into the air.

“John Parker.” He escaped his hand from his pocket waiting for me to respond to his firmly gripped handshake.

Suddenly I remembered a billboard that I had passed one morning,“Wait..,” I raised my hand and pointed my finger at him, “You’re John Parker…as in one of the most famous directors in Manhattan, John parker? I said giving him a crude stare as my hand slipped the business card, glancing the information.

He smiled. “Yes, darling. That is correct.”

His black leather coat escaped from the chair, as he sat up from sitting, to return his arms into it. “I bet you’re happy I could get you to change that answer.”

I watched him as he approached the glass door, and walked away, locking eyes as he wandered away from this mysterious morning. It had left me so wonderstruck, that morning. It was the first time I had ever looked up since Lawrence vanished from my life. I took a chance on myself, I engaged in something so juristic, I didn’t even quite recognize that girl that took me over in that very moment when John first approached me. But I was most certain about one thing, I had smiled that morning.

One thing I hadn’t done in a while.