The day my world stood still.

 

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall.”- Confucius

Unlike many other pieces that I have published for my blog, this one took more than a week to process. As a writer, I am very grateful that I have a way of putting many of the vast thoughts that cross my mind, into something good for myself and others. Although, it is truly breaking my heart every time I re-visit this day In my mind.¬† But on the other hand, this has made me grow into an even stronger person altogether. The statement, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, remains true in my current circumstance.

It was a normal Sunday morning, as I awoke the morning of my car accident. I sat down in the morning and did my regular routine of jamming to current Taylor swift, applying my makeup, and strutting around in my romper and heels. I was heading into town for an innocent trip to the mall, getting lunch, and enjoying a day to myself.  As I gathered my purse and other miscellaneous items, I kissed my mom and told her I loved her as I walked out the door. As she would say to me every day after this incident took place, she had felt in the deep core of her gut that something horrific was to occur that day. Instead, she let me go, thinking that her motherly instincts were just flaring because this was my first trip driving alone. Little did I know, a mother is never wrong. Strangely enough, she had been right about what was to happen that day.

My drive to the mall had gone very smoothly, and I had felt very confident In myself. I enjoyed my day as I walked around the mall, grabbed food, and some new clothes that were (and still are thank god ) going to be used for my senior photos.  On my way back home, I felt as if my day had gone spectacular. I felt as if I had accomplished something very big in my eyes, seeming this was my first time driving alone in a moderately busy city.  Soon enough, my day was turned upside down. As I experienced the worst day of my entire life. All alone.

As I turned onto a busy highway, my wandering mind soon got me into a predicament that I always told people was my worst nightmare. Although I would not like to get into specific details, the last thing I remember was pulling off on the side of the road, on one of the¬†most booming¬†highways in Michigan. The next thing I know, I¬†was siting in a ditch. I look down and see glass shatters surrounding my passenger seat, my windshield completely shattered, and my driver side door completely touching me. I look into the mirror that sat above me, and watched blood run down my cheek.¬†I then¬†realize, my ¬†brand new car that I had not even had for more than a month, was destroyed before my very eyes. I was so confused in that moment, as I tried to recuperate myself. The next thing I know, a man has walked over and is tapping on my window that is destroyed as well, and asks me if I am okay. I reply with, “Yes I am okay.” After that much impact, I am very surprised that I had given the lovely couple that had hit me, both of my parents numbers from the back of my mind. After their phone call to my parents, they had helped me stumble out of my car. I remember everybody looking at me in shock and disbelief. I had just survived not only the accident, but with almost no scratches to my exposed body. No broken bones, a couple small bruises, and a mark from my seatbelt was all that was left on me after the impact. As I reflected in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, I didn’t know how I could be so lucky. To this day, I still can’t put my finger quite on it.

As my romper is being cut into shreds, heels are taken off my feet, doctors shining lights into my eyes, and of course the endless questions that come along with a patient that has just been through this trauma; millions of thoughts continued to go through my mind. I held back my tears that wanted to go streaming down my face, and instead focused on the good things that had graced me that day. I was okay, and that will always be the most important part of this. This means that my wonderful parents, my boyfriend, my siblings, and my family and friends would not have to deal with the burden of losing me. Suddenly, my mind began to wander even more. The most prominent thought continues to be, it really is true; your life can be taken from you at any moment.  The emotions came flooding in as they released me thirty minutes later. The ride home from the hospital, I reevaluated my entire life. This is the greatest way I can place my thoughts and apprehensions into words.

This life we¬† are ¬†given is never promised to us.¬† Your life can be taken any day, and at any moment. Before my accident, there were countless family¬† members and friends that I didn’t have a close to perfect relationship with, due to the fact that people are quite frankly, not remembering this concept. I had stopped talking to one of my best friends, about a month prior. I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my parents, or even my siblings at that. After this, I realized that I would’ve had to live with that burden, and they would’ve had to as well. Do not hold stupid grudges, it is never worth it. Repair your relationships and friendships as much as you can. Always tell your loved ones how much you care about them, and your true genuine feelings. I cannot stress this enough. On the other hand, appreciate everything life has to offer you. After this day, I learned to appreciate the little things in life so much more. I had begun to realize all the things I have in life I should be grateful for. I have so many great people, things, and an amazing future to continue to work towards. I have reached for my goals even more, continued to write more, and broaden my horizons in every aspect. I have not only learned to live a whole new life, but also spread my teachings to others.

I now rise early every morning, smiling. I am smiling because I know I was given another chance to live life. I continue to surround myself with my loved ones, and I cherish the thought of getting to spend the rest of my life repairing, and blossoming different aspects of my life. I get to continue to listen to the beloved Taylor swift as I do my makeup, watch my favorite movies, eat my favorite foods, learn new things, travel more, and of course learn and grow in my own personal ways. They might sound like little things to you, but I am forever grateful for everything in life that as made me who and what I am. I got a chance to live a brand new life, and I will never let that go for the world.

To the one who didn’t love me enough to stay.

I told you that I didn’t care the day you ended it between us. I told everybody else that I didn’t let you phase me. I thought this enchanting feeling that overwhelmed me every time we were together was something that could easily be replaced with an acquaintance who would give me proper admiration. The more I¬†tried forgetting the memories we compiled, the more I realized you never left my mind. I realized the more I convinced everybody I had forgotten, I found the person I was supposed to hate, accumulating every space of my existence. That was when I realized that we, as people, talk about the things we hate the most. We don’t realize that we are doing it. In the end, the things that we hate the most ¬†are the things we care most about. The things we let destroy us at¬†three in the morning while we toss and turn in our wits, and wonder why we weren’t enough, are the things that intellectually have control over us.

As spring turned to summer, and summer turned to fall, I found myself outside watching the crisp autumn leaves fall and I sat and wondered why I wasn’t enough. I played back the first time your smile encountered mine. Did you find someone with a more stunning smile than mine? ¬†Did I say something wrong when the first words escaped my mouth? I pictured the outfit I was wearing. I remembered the way I radiated, as my confidence¬†beamed from my smile. I was always told my smile could light up an entire room. But, why couldn’t I light up yours? The more and more¬†I pondered each question, the more I realized ¬†no response amounted from them. The question that hurt me the most, was why you left me with the burden of figuring out these accusations. The truth was, you didn’t care if I did or not. You left with the intentions of leaving me, wondering why I wasn’t enough. As the fall leaves slowly disappeared, I found myself watching the snow flakes fall as they assembled perfectly in my vision. I realized every time I saw a new season, that you hadn’t gone away as time continued on. Time was redeemed as frozen in my mind, yet the world carried on. I look over at the television that played my favorite movies, the ones you said you didn’t care enough to watch with me. Not long after, my room begins to flood with my favorite songs; The ones you would turn off to instead play yours. Why were my interests never enough for you? That grin of yours was enough for me to forget the most important things that accompanied my own mind. Instead, I believed you. I loved you enough to replace your likings with mine. Soon enough, we watched your favorite films, and my music was replaced with yours. As time went on, my calls and texts were ignored and I should have realized you had intentions of leaving me the way you did all along.

I remembered all of the fun times we had together. Did you think about them the same way that I did? As days turned into months and months turned into years, the same questions seemed to repeat themselves. Those questions remain with still no response. I flash back to the deep conversations we shared as we discussed our pasts over dinner. I thought of all the times I went out of my way to see your eyes light up the way I once saw them. Yet, you never did the same for me. The more I found myself in thought,¬†a new season passed and I¬†watched the leaves drift across the firm grass. Here was another year that left me wondering what I could have done to save us. I began to dwell on the past we once had. The older I became, the wiser my thoughts became. I found myself discussing you over dinner with my family ¬†and they told me to just forget about the lovely times we once shared. The difference between me and you, was I couldn’t seem to forget about you the way you did me. It crushed me knowing I left the person who mattered to me the most and it left me searching for a conclusion. I was left wondering why I couldn’t satisfy the needs¬†that you desired. It seems that was always the difference between you and me.

I found myself the following year bringing you up to mutual friends, and I could never bring myself to wish bad upon you. I knew that I was respected enough as a person to not ruin things over your cruel behaviors. But, I still wonder was it cruelty or just that you were inconsiderate. ¬†As time continued on, it didn’t seem to matter. You had long forgotten the experiences we shared together. That smile of mine that “lit up everybody’s room”, didn’t seem to have the same magical effect on you, just as it didn’t ¬†the previous three years. Maybe thinking ¬†I could change¬†us back to how we were before was¬†just silly. ¬†It seemed as if you found the same characteristics ¬†you loved in me in other people. Despite the memories we created, you seemed to find pleasantry in ¬†sharing those same things with anyone other than myself. ¬†To this day, I would never think anything but good thoughts when your name is brought up mutually or on accident. I know at some points, I¬†found myself defending you for your wrongs and occasionally drifting into further conversation, because I missed you.¬† That was the moment I knew, I could’ve never left you the way you left me.

Sadness overcomes me less and less, but the feeling you left me with lingers. I still think about you when one of the songs ¬†you once adored comes on. I find myself asking people how you are. I find myself worrying about you, when I know it isn’t my job anymore. I wish the best for you in any further relationship ¬†you decide to venture into. I hope that¬† one day you find the love ¬†you decided couldn’t be discovered in me in somebody else. More and more, I find myself thinking these things because I hope you don’t leave them the way you left me.

Wondering why they weren’t enough for you.

 

 

7 ways old souls live differently.

In many ways, I have discovered how old my soul really is. This can be quite difficult, living in a world like we do today. What exactly is a old soul? An old soul is somebody that feels as if they are not in place with today’s society, but more with one that was in the past. A soul that has lived through many many vast decades. I have realized being a old soul, is actually a really important thing in today’s society. We think deeper, explore more, and help find a deeper meaning to life. We also, tend to live life pretty simply. Here are 7 ways that old souls live differently in the 21st century.

We are often know as the “Mothers” of the group.

If you are anything like me, ¬†you have been addressed this status of the group more then once. You prefer to be the one looking out for everybody else, and you find joy in this as well. You prefer to stay home most of the time, and find joy reading a good book, and being alone. You usually would take this over hanging out with a big group of people, going to a party, and taking part in decisions like partying, drinking etc. You never really went through the “partying phase.” You are usually the one who is not constantly found hooking up with new guys, but watches from afar as many of your friends do. You are often mistaken for being 10 years older then you actually are, just because of the way you think and perceive things.

We would rather listen and watch music and movies ¬†from the 70’s

Old souls, can stand the music and movies from the 21st century, but would much rather explore older forms of it. We would much rather watch classic movies, then watch movies that display no meaning.  We wonder why people get so hyped over movies, that literally have no meaning.  We would rater listen to The Rolling Stones, Elvis, Elton john, and Billy Joel over Rhianna and Katy Perry. We like to find meaning and sense in everything that we do, and these music and movies are not cutting it.

We hate small talk. 

If you are anything like me, you know how hard it is to find a boy or girl for that matter, that you can talk to on a daily basis. This is because you crave more then the “Whats up” and “I’m bored” comments that you receive daily, when trying to have a formal conversation. As old souls, we want to know, how do you think the universe was created? type of talk ha-ha. This is usually why we don’t have much friends. We want somebody that is going to be more then small talk. We crave to know ¬†more about the world, and what is going on ¬†in other peoples minds.

We are bad at relationships.

As old souls, we are looking for somebody that isn’t drowning in today’s media, but prefers a more old school way of having a relationship. We don’t want to have to constantly post about you, or like your Facebook posts. We would much rather keep our relationship much more private, and only portray a little bit of it on social media. We are also looking for somebody that is just as adventurous as us. One that will always be there at our beck and call, ready to explore more of the world, try new things, explore meaning in life, and ¬†meaning to ourselves as people. This is usually why we find it difficult to find a relationship like this in the 21st century. We tend to turn away many boys/girls because of this problem of ours.

We are fascinated with a certain time era, and are convinced you were born in the wrong era. 

I am utterly convinced I was alive ¬†in the 50’s, or a time around then. As old souls, we tend to be very connected to a certain era, as if we have lived it all before. This is usually presented to you, in forms of books, people, music, pictures, and places, that you are very connected to. I always have been fascinated with the way people lived, the music, and the feel of the world during that time period. Old souls, are convinced, they are like this because they have lived once before in that time era, and reincarnated to live again now.

You are often the source of advice for your friends

As old souls, we are told we are very wise for our age. It is almost like we have lived lots of times, and gained knowledge that is present in us now. We are usually the ones that our friends will come to when they are in need of advice with love, life, career wise etc. We love to help others, and guide them onto the right path when they are lost. Old souls often contemplate the meaning of life, which is why they know so much about it.

No mater what, you feel as if you don’t fit in with people your age.¬†

As a teenager we are supposed to be playing sports, hanging out with friends, and be constantly ¬†on the move. For me, I was never drawn to it, or at least not as I got older. I enjoyed playing sports, and being a teenager, but in an old souls head, you are constantly pulling between what you SHOULD be and who you really are. This is who I knew I should be, but was it who I really was? Some start to feel this way ¬†as you become a young adult, college and partying doesn’t really appeal to you at all. You would much rather prefer to be with people much older then you. Old souls are always on the move for more knowledge, a greater meaning of life, and they receive this from people that have lived it yet again in this life.