To the one who didn’t love me enough to stay.

I told you that I didn’t care the day you ended it between us. I told everybody else that I didn’t let you phase me. I thought this enchanting feeling that overwhelmed me every time we were together was something that could easily be replaced with an acquaintance who would give me proper admiration. The more I tried forgetting the memories we compiled, the more I realized you never left my mind. I realized the more I convinced everybody I had forgotten, I found the person I was supposed to hate, accumulating every space of my existence. That was when I realized that we, as people, talk about the things we hate the most. We don’t realize that we are doing it. In the end, the things that we hate the most  are the things we care most about. The things we let destroy us at three in the morning while we toss and turn in our wits, and wonder why we weren’t enough, are the things that intellectually have control over us.

As spring turned to summer, and summer turned to fall, I found myself outside watching the crisp autumn leaves fall and I sat and wondered why I wasn’t enough. I played back the first time your smile encountered mine. Did you find someone with a more stunning smile than mine?  Did I say something wrong when the first words escaped my mouth? I pictured the outfit I was wearing. I remembered the way I radiated, as my confidence beamed from my smile. I was always told my smile could light up an entire room. But, why couldn’t I light up yours? The more and more I pondered each question, the more I realized  no response amounted from them. The question that hurt me the most, was why you left me with the burden of figuring out these accusations. The truth was, you didn’t care if I did or not. You left with the intentions of leaving me, wondering why I wasn’t enough. As the fall leaves slowly disappeared, I found myself watching the snow flakes fall as they assembled perfectly in my vision. I realized every time I saw a new season, that you hadn’t gone away as time continued on. Time was redeemed as frozen in my mind, yet the world carried on. I look over at the television that played my favorite movies, the ones you said you didn’t care enough to watch with me. Not long after, my room begins to flood with my favorite songs; The ones you would turn off to instead play yours. Why were my interests never enough for you? That grin of yours was enough for me to forget the most important things that accompanied my own mind. Instead, I believed you. I loved you enough to replace your likings with mine. Soon enough, we watched your favorite films, and my music was replaced with yours. As time went on, my calls and texts were ignored and I should have realized you had intentions of leaving me the way you did all along.

I remembered all of the fun times we had together. Did you think about them the same way that I did? As days turned into months and months turned into years, the same questions seemed to repeat themselves. Those questions remain with still no response. I flash back to the deep conversations we shared as we discussed our pasts over dinner. I thought of all the times I went out of my way to see your eyes light up the way I once saw them. Yet, you never did the same for me. The more I found myself in thought, a new season passed and I watched the leaves drift across the firm grass. Here was another year that left me wondering what I could have done to save us. I began to dwell on the past we once had. The older I became, the wiser my thoughts became. I found myself discussing you over dinner with my family  and they told me to just forget about the lovely times we once shared. The difference between me and you, was I couldn’t seem to forget about you the way you did me. It crushed me knowing I left the person who mattered to me the most and it left me searching for a conclusion. I was left wondering why I couldn’t satisfy the needs that you desired. It seems that was always the difference between you and me.

I found myself the following year bringing you up to mutual friends, and I could never bring myself to wish bad upon you. I knew that I was respected enough as a person to not ruin things over your cruel behaviors. But, I still wonder was it cruelty or just that you were inconsiderate.  As time continued on, it didn’t seem to matter. You had long forgotten the experiences we shared together. That smile of mine that “lit up everybody’s room”, didn’t seem to have the same magical effect on you, just as it didn’t  the previous three years. Maybe thinking  I could change us back to how we were before was just silly.  It seemed as if you found the same characteristics  you loved in me in other people. Despite the memories we created, you seemed to find pleasantry in  sharing those same things with anyone other than myself.  To this day, I would never think anything but good thoughts when your name is brought up mutually or on accident. I know at some points, I found myself defending you for your wrongs and occasionally drifting into further conversation, because I missed you.  That was the moment I knew, I could’ve never left you the way you left me.

Sadness overcomes me less and less, but the feeling you left me with lingers. I still think about you when one of the songs  you once adored comes on. I find myself asking people how you are. I find myself worrying about you, when I know it isn’t my job anymore. I wish the best for you in any further relationship  you decide to venture into. I hope that  one day you find the love  you decided couldn’t be discovered in me in somebody else. More and more, I find myself thinking these things because I hope you don’t leave them the way you left me.

Wondering why they weren’t enough for you.

 

 

Advertisements

29 thoughts on “To the one who didn’t love me enough to stay.

  1. I’m wondering if this person was your first love? I know for me my first love will never fully die in my mind, even though over the years I have realized that he was not good enough for me in many ways, just as he must have thought I was not good enough for him.

    When my first love broke up with me, I don’t recall asking him why. If I did, I forgot his reason or didn’t find it adequate in any way. I suppose now I could venture guesses, but they are reasons that seem superficial or reflect that he would never have stayed with me for the long haul anyway.

    I eventually found my true love. He is far more wonderful and important to me than my first love.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I too went through something similar, time does heal but unanswered questions just stay unanswered. Why they did what they did, as time goes on the value of that reason diminishes and you realize that they were only in your life at the time to help shape and form you for latter relationships.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Love can be so beautiful and so incredibly difficult. I don’t know what to say to say to make you feel ‘good enough.’ I think a lot of humans are going through the ‘I’m not good enough struggle.’ But I can say that it’s very powerful what you’ve shared here. /selkieseal

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This is so frustrating…I think he didn’t deserve to be in a relationship with you.He didn’t really understand the value of your love and affection, and he never will, so you should move on with your life, sweetheart!! xx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. The unanswered questions burn holes in our hearts and mind. It turns almost obsessional.
    I wish you peace of mind and that one day you’ll be able to let go.
    You’re not alone in your struggles. I too know the pain of what ifs and why.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Beautiful, honest, courageous…that’s how I see you through your articles. It takes so much inner strength to look deep into your heart, to recognize and to discover that special part of it that needs healing and care. I pray you’ll find a love so wonderful, so miraculous, so true…the kind of love you deserve to live! Thank you for sharing your written voice with the world, your blog it’s impressive! And thank you for following mine, it means the world to me!
    Blessings,
    Claudia

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I seem to be in the same place.
    When I heard Taylor Swift and Zayn’s song (excuse the trivialism) one particular line stood out ‘wonder if I dodged a bullet or lost the love of my life’.
    But the most important thing I have done is love myself so much that I don’t need anyone else’s love to feel ‘enough’. I would recommend researching Marisa Peer, and her theory on ‘enoughness’.
    I’ve started doing things I love that I stopped doing long ago, and I feel like I’ve got my identity back.
    Regardless, beautifully written and eloquently put… but remember you are enough. Much love, E x

    Liked by 2 people

    • You’re brilliant. Yes. As women, we are usually the ones in this position. (Yes makes sometimes are in this position as well, but we don’t see it as much) but as humans, we need to learn to love ourselves. I have been learning that every day, and I appreciate your advice on doing so❤️

      All my love,
      Isabella

      Liked by 2 people

      • I actually have a blog post in my drafts called ‘how to be grateful for a breakup you didn’t want’. I finished it months ago but as yet it is still collecting metaphorical dust on the shelf.
        It took so much courage to write and I haven’t yet found the courage to publish… but watch this space. You may have nudged me along the line a little. I don’t know how long you’ll be watching the space for but it’s definitely on the horizon!
        Thank you for sharing xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      • I definitely recommend you to share your personal stories, beliefs, and things that give you a breath of fresh air once they have even released from your mind. I hope you find the courage to share this with your audience. I believe in you. ❤️

        Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s